Loglines. They strike fear in the hearts of writers. If you’ve tried to write them, you know: sometimes it feels nearly impossible to distill an entire movie into one pithy sentence.
Yet you keep at it. Because one great sentence can pitch your project, hook a reader, and open the right door.
Why Do We Write Loglines?
As Blake Snyder writes in Save the Cat!®:
“What is it?” is the movie. A good “What is it?” is the coin of the realm. Everyone, all across town, in a position to buy or in the effort to sell, is trying to wrap their brains around the same question your friends were asking on Saturday night: “What is it?”
A good logline tells enough to convey a solid sense of the movie, but is succinct enough that the listener doesn’t get bored or confused. It answers the “what is it” question, clearly and enticingly.
But loglines aren’t only for pitching your finished screenplay. Working out your story idea in one sentence is also a valuable part of the development process. That’s why, in the online Save the Cat!® Beat Sheet Workshops (shameless plug), we hit the ground running in Week 1 by working on loglines for the ideas that students are thinking about writing.
Playing around with loglines is a quick and easy way to begin to make choices about your story, to test different versions, and to see if there’s a movie there. To answer “What is it?” for yourself.
What’s in a Logline?
The essentials of a logline are simply the fundamental elements of your story:
Someone (the protagonist) wants something (the story goal) and goes after it against great odds and/or obstacles (the antagonist and the conflict).
But even though the components of a logline are straightforward, writing a good one is surprisingly difficult.
(And now I’ll stop reminding you how hard it is and let you in on a few logline-writing tips.)
Here are three of the most common stumbles I see with loglines, and my advice on how you can avoid them:
1. Stopping at the Set-Up
Above I pointed out the essential elements of a logline as: “Someone (the protagonist) wants something (the story goal) and goes after it against great odds and/or obstacles (the antagonist and the conflict).”
The “goes after it against great odds” portion is vital to a good logline, and the most often overlooked.
What does “goes after it against great odds” give us? Act 2.
Act 2 is where we show off the Fun and Games of this particular story, a.k.a. the promise of the premise. It’s the main action. The adventure. The meat of the movie.
If you’re describing a sandwich, you don’t stop after what kind of bread it’s on, right? So if you’re describing a movie, give us an idea of what we’re going to bite into.
Often writers think a logline is more enticing if it’s mysterious – and that can be the case. But a logline’s function is to give us a true sense of the movie. It doesn’t have to give away the ending, but it also shouldn’t stop after the Set-Up. We should have an idea what we’ll be watching on screen for the bulk of our time in the theater.
Get Out isn’t about Chris getting to Rose’s family’s house. It’s about what happens once he’s there – figuring out what’s really going on, and trying to get away intact. Trying to get out.
Hell or High Water isn’t just about the brothers’ plan to rob those banks. It’s about them trying to keep it together long enough to execute that plan, before they’re caught by the lawmen on their tail – to get the stolen money to their bank before the foreclosure deadline, come hell or high water.
Although it is necessary in a logline to include the Set-Up for context, don’t stop there. Remember to include a description of what’s happening in Act 2. That’s what tells us what kind of movie we’re buying.
And for you, the writer developing the story, it helps you to gauge whether you know what kind of movie you’re writing.
2. No Act 2
“Wait,” you’re saying. “Isn’t this the same as #1?” Though there may be some overlap, they’re worth looking at separately because this is a sneaky pitfall all its own, which can easily happen to anyone.
Leaving out a description of Act 2 is a different thing than not having an Act 2 at all. Thinking you have an Act 2 when you don’t is what we’re talking about here.
If Act 2 is all about pursuing the story goal, then that goal must be something that’s difficult to achieve in order for the pursuit of it to sustain an entire screenplay. Forces of antagonism and other obstacles get in the way, but the goal itself should have an intrinsic degree of difficulty relative to the circumstances of your story.
Goals that can be achieved very quickly or easily are not going to be enough to write 100 pages about. And this is the problem we see in some loglines.
Loglines that hinge on a main action of “decide,” or “choose,” or “realize,” or (sometimes) “discover,” just might have a “No Act 2” problem. Not always, but often enough to double-check your work.
These are things that sound dramatic in a logline, but when you think about what they really mean – what they really look like on screen – you can see that they don’t bring much story stuff to the table.
A decision takes a second to make. Could coming to a very difficult decision be drawn out over a movie? Sure. But that’s something you’ll want to identify and begin to plan for early on, so you can find ways to dramatize it – and justify why the character isn’t just flipping a coin so we can all go home.
So keep an eye on your logline for those sneaky phrases that seem more dramatic than they are. If the goal is something that can be done in a moment, you — the writer — may find yourself running out of scenes to write.
3. Detail Overload
At the other end of the spectrum is our final common logline stumble: including too many story details.
It’s an understandable instinct. You want to put ALL your movie’s cool stuff in, and for good reason. You love the details of your story, and you’re sure other people will too. Why wouldn’t you include every last one in the logline?
When it comes to loglines, brevity and clarity are your friends. A logline’s first priority is to present the essential core of the story. Loglines can often support a few additional details, but not many. More than either of the first two things I’ve pointed out, this is the primary challenge when writing your logline.
Because the truth is, when you’re still developing a story it’s often not completely solid in your mind – and that can make it tough to identify the essential core. And when you’ve written an entire screenplay, you know everything about your story – again making it tough to narrow in on the core amidst all the cool details.
But aiming for clarity and brevity will serve you well. When you’re developing an idea, writing a clear, straightforward logline can help you gain that solid grasp of the story that you need in order to flesh it out. And when you’re pitching, a logline that’s too full of non-essential details hints at a writer who may not have a good grasp on his or her own story, when we always want to feel like the storyteller is in command of the story.
So how do you tackle a too-detailed logline? Identify the essentials:
Someone (the protagonist) wants something (the story goal) and goes after it against great odds and/or obstacles (the antagonist and the conflict).
Make it clear first… and pretty later.
My Logline Challenge to You!
If you’re working on a logline for your screenplay – whether to help with your own development, or because you’re ready to pitch – remember the essentials. Identify the core of the story and describe it in one sentence.
Just as those elements should be clear in your screenplay, so should they be clear in your logline. A logline, after all, is a representation of your screenplay and your movie.
Naomi Beaty
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After he steals an ancient Tlingit Indian carving, Gabriel , a part-time antiquities hunter, believes his miserable life is about to get better, until the original owner wants it back and rises from the dead to collect his barter– one by one children of this coastal Alaska town go missing. Gabriel must stop the evil shapeshifter or die trying. His daughter is next.
Hey Todd – I like this idea! It seems like you might be able to streamline the logline a bit, maybe something like:
“After stealing an an ancient Tlingit Indian carving, Gabriel, a part-time antiquities hunter, must battle the totem’s original owner — an evil shapeshifter who’s risen from the dead to steal children from Gabriel’s small town until the relic is returned.”
That may not be exactly spot on for your story, but hopefully it’ll spark something.
Nice work and best of luck with this script!
Thanks Naomi. Just the help I was needing.
Awesome! Happy to help.
I would start it stronger:
Gabriel thought his life was finally turning around when he stole the ancient Tlingit artifact. When its original owner comes looking for it, everything falls apart, instead. Now he must stop a vengeful primeval shapeshifter, raised from the grave, to save his town before all hell breaks loose. Literally.
See how staring with Gabriel and his thoughts gives it life and movement from the first word? Honestly, I want to punch up the end of my last sentence (it’s cliche, I know), but the open is good. Anyway. My two cents.
(30 words)
After recovering an ancient Tlingit Indian carving, an antiquities hunter must battle a shapeshifter who’s risen from the dead to kidnap children from the town until the relic is returned.
Good idea! Sounds like a “Monster In the House”
A culpable hero is forced to save a trapped group of people from being killed by a monster he inadvertently unleashed.
Nice work, James!
I will try. :-)
When Carly Smith goes after the man who sold her into human trafficking, she is shot and her niece is kidnapped, and Carly must use every trick she knows to find him and save her niece.
Oh, and this is for a novel.
(24 words)
After a prostitute is shot and her niece is kidnapped, her Aunt must revisit every trick she knows in order to find the kidnapper.
I’m not sure what happens if she fails?
Not sure of the genre, if I had to pick I would say “Dude with a Problem”
“An unwitting hero must survive at all costs when a she is dragged into a life and death situation she never saw coming and cannot escape.”
–CORRECTION–
“An unwitting hero must survive at all costs when she is dragged into a life and death situation she never saw coming and cannot escape.”
—Sorry!
Hey Patricia! Sounds like an exciting novel – I’d definitely read this. As for the logline, I’d love to hear a little more specifically what “every trick she knows” means for this character. You know, if we think about the dad in “Taken” — every trick HE knows means something far different than every trick another character knows. So if you can give us a sense of how Carly goes about finding this guy and saving her niece, that will help us understand what kind of story it is. Like, is it an international manhunt? A dive into the dark web? A race against time through an urban landscape? A cat-and-mouse game set against the suburban book club parties of Carly’s everyday life? The options are endless; I want to know what happens in *your* story.
Hope that helps!
“Motherboard” by David Krulik
In the near future, famed CEO Melanie Fine struggles to balance her dual roles as mother and America’s most daring business mogul. Determined to maintain her demanding career and raise her precocious 10-year-old daughter, Ryla, she reluctantly buys a Motherboard—a cloned cybernetic version of herself—to serve as the perfect stay-at-home mother. Tricked into believing her mother has taken a sabbatical from work for the summer, Ryla and her robotic caregiver have the vacation of a lifetime and make the mother-daughter connection that Ryla has always craved. But when a sinister cyber-terrorist group takes control of the cybernetic nanny and Ryla is violently whisked away to the remote mountains of Northern Thailand, Melanie and Ryla must heal and find common ground before the terror group severs their connection forever.
It’s Mrs. Doubtfire meets Terminator.
Okay, first of all — “Mrs. Doubtfire meets Terminator” is great. I’d be curious to know which of those lends its tone to your story. I’m guessing it’s more toward the Mrs. Doubtfire end of the spectrum, but hey — I could see it successfully going either way. Love the title too, btw!
Your logline is a bit more of a synopsis right now but I think you can fairly easily extract a logline from the details you’ve included here. It might be something like:
“Famed CEO Melanie Fine reluctantly buys a Motherboard—a cloned cybernetic version of herself—to serve as the perfect stay-at-home mother to 10-year-old daughter Ryla. But when a sinister cyber-terrorist group takes control of the cybernetic nanny and Ryla is kidnapped to the remote mountains of Northern Thailand, Melanie and Ryla must find a way to communicate and work together before the terror group severs their connection forever.”
Now, I really like that “severs their connection forever” part that you had in the original logline. What I’m not completely clear on is how Melanie and Ryla communicate and work together — so that might be a detail worth inserting. Is Melanie a tech mogul? Is Ryla a child computer prodigy? If you can characterize the actions that they take in order to solve their problem, I’ll have a good sense of what I’ll be watching on screen.
Hope this helps and look forward to seeing how your story progresses!
Naomi,
You ROCK and thank you so much for your input! Huge help. I think once I have a better understanding of who Melanie and Ryla are as people, what their gifts and hang-ups are, I’ll be able to figure out how they survive the ordeal and ultimately heal their own relationship. But to answer your question, yes, I was thinking that Melanie is a Tony Stark sort of figure. Perhaps Ryla has inherited her mother’s tech-savvy, but she’s reluctant to admit the similarities she shares with her mother. I was even thinking maybe it’s Melanie’s company that created the Motherboard to begin with, so there’s a certain amount of guilt and responsibility she feels when things go awry? Or not. I think my main problem is that I’m not sure who the MAIN HERO in the story should be. And if it’s a dual-narrative that flips back and forth between mother and daughter, is that a Buddy Love story? This is a for a novel by the way. ;)
PS. I have a handful of other loglines I’d love to share. If you have the time let me know what you think of them!
Thanks again. David
You’re welcome, David! So glad it’s helpful. I think you’re on the right track and yes — it’s tough sometimes to nail down a specific logline when you’re still working the story out. But you’ll get there. You already have a lot of it solidly in place.
This is a very long, (and detailed), description. Not sure what the story really is. PICK THE BEST 30 WORDS.
More than 30, does not count.
A Kauai forest ranger who quit her job at Glacier due to a horrific grizzly attack, must now stop an ancient curse with an appetite for people, before everyone on the island of Kauai is killed.
Hey Kyler! This is a cool idea with a great setting! For the logline, I think it would help showcase the major plotline if you pulled back on the backstory details and added a bit more to the description of the curse and what the ranger must do to stop it. Since those things are integral to the concept and what will set your story apart from others, you want to show us what’s unique about yours. So, for instance:
“When an ancient curse with an appetite for people is awakened on the island paradise of Kauai, a traumatized forest ranger must (add something here about what action the ranger takes) to stop the curse before everyone on the island is killed.”
In the “appetite for people” part, it would also be helpful to get an idea of what that means — how does the curse kill them, what does it do to them, what do we see, etc. That’s probably a pretty key part of your concept so it would be good to highlight that as well.
Hope you find that useful!
An idealistic revolutionary who has already survived three death sentences seeks to kill Czar Nicholas II, but in his attempt to change the social order, realizes that he’s lost the very humanity that the Czar, himself, lacks.
Hi Bryna! This sounds like a really compelling story and “An idealistic revolutionary who has already survived three death sentences” is definitely a character description that piques my interest. I’m not completely sure what it means, but I want to know more — so that’s a good thing.
I can see a clear goal for the main character, too (“seeks to kill Czar Nicholas II), but the part that’s a little fuzzy to me is the connection between that goal and “his attempt to change the social order”. It may just be my lack of knowledge about the history here, but how does changing the social order help the character achieve the goal of killing the Czar? It kind of sounds like it might be two different goals.
It may just be a matter of adding some context for those of us who aren’t very familiar with this time in history.
Hope that helps and let me know if you have any questions!
A faithless IRS agent is determined to expose the secret relationship between a popular pastor and a troubled young girl.
Hey Kamryn! You’ve hooked me — there’s an interesting story seed here! You’ve also done a nice job of subtly hinting at your thematic arena in your logline. It’s clear who the main character is (the “faithless IRS agent”) and I think I know what the goal is (“expose the secret relationship”).
One thing to consider is whether that’s enough to sustain a screenplay, since it’s actually something that could be done quickly and easily under the right circumstances. So you’ll want to think about how you can make that goal difficult to achieve, so there’s plenty of conflict and drama before the protagonist either succeeds or fails at attaining it in the third act. Does the pastor turn the whole town against the protagonist? Physically threaten the protagonist?
It would help to include some description of what action the protagonist takes in order to achieve that goal, too. Meaning, does he/she stalk the couple? Go undercover as a Christian-school student? Does the protagonist develop his/her own relationship with the young girl, and then find that he/she is unwilling to ruin her life by exposing it? That action is really what we’re going to be watching in Act 2, so that IS the movie.
Hope these notes are useful and keep developing your idea!
A shipwrecked young viking warrior owes her life to two girls from a small village and in return she must save them from evil forces beyond the realms of this world.
Hey Christopher! I think your logline looks solid!
Protag: young Viking warrior
Goal: save two young girls from evil forces
Opposition: otherworldly evil forces
The extra descriptors add nice detail and tone to help me see the movie. I would love to hear a little detail about how the evil forces specifically threaten the girls and/or their village; that would paint the picture even more. But overall I have a pretty good sense of your story. Nice!
ON HER 30TH BIRTHDAY, AN AIMLESS INTELLECTUAL DECIDES TO BECOME HER SOCIAL MEDIA “IDEAL IMAGE” AND WIN BACK THE ONLY THING SHE HAS GOING FOR HERSELF: HER EX.
Hey Kathy! I love this concept — seems like a great, fresh idea for a romcom. And I can see the whole story from your logline.
One halfway suggestion: you might consider adding something to describe the ex so that we know sort of what the other half of the two-hander looks like. But I say that’s a halfway suggestion because honestly, I like the way the logline reads with the, “only thing she has going for herself: her ex.” at the end. So depending on how much of the story is his too, maybe that’s not necessary. Just a thought!
Nice work!
A bitter, angry Vietnam veteran is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He vows revenge on everyone who has ever mistreated him and embarks on a heinous killing spree. As the cops close in, he learns that he doesn’t have cancer at all.
*Maybe a TV pilot?
Thanks, Naomi, for your generous support for all of us.
Ooooh, really cool and dark, Todd. I like it. And I like the “learns that he doesn’t have cancer at all” part. It think it’s smart that you’re including that, because it’s an intriguing hook. I’m definitely curious to see how this story resolves.
If you’re thinking of this as possibly a TV pilot, it would be good to brainstorm around what kind of story engine you’d use to generate future episodes. How would the series be structured? Would he find out he doesn’t have cancer, and then be on the run from the police since he’s a murderer? What would he do while on the run? What’s the thing we’d be coming back to watch each week?
Hope that helps!
Naomi
Hi Naomi,
That’s awesome. Thanks so much for the insight and guidance.
The character gets carried away by the sense of power and chooses to ignore his revised diagnosis.
His girlfriend works at a diner where the investigators gather. She overhears just enough to start unraveling his mystery. Then she has to decide which side to take, knowing she’s involved with a vicious killer and could be added to his list.
So each episode brings another murder; gets the investigators a little closer; and pushes the girlfriend toward her own fate.
Thank you for reminding me about resolving the story. Still need a final twist for that.
You’ve been incredibly helpful to all of us. Thank you for carrying Blake’s spirit of generosity forward.
Ah, very cool! You might play around with writing a logline for the series (season 1) AND a logline for the pilot. The series logline will help you convey the shape of the first season, characterize the show, and help us see what kind of engine will be driving each episode. The pilot logline will help you shape the story of the pilot, make sure you have all the ingredients there. Also, it sounds like the girlfriend is a significant character, which is great. I’m very curious to see where it all goes!
Thank you so much! I’ll keep you posted!
Series Log line:
Four brutal murders terrorize a small Wisconsin city. Authorities are baffled until a forensic investigator suggests the crimes are connected by revenge and the killer is operating on limited time. Chelle, a waitress, overhears the investigator’s theory and realizes her boyfriend, Dixon, may be the killer. Recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, he had long vowed “some people would be sorry” if he ever got sick. As one new grisly murder occurs each week, the investigator closes in. Terrified for her own safety, Chelle struggles to keep silent until the day she discovers Dixon doesn’t have cancer at all.
The rebellious son of a vindictive serial killer clashes with police and his past when he comes out of hiding to save his family from his father.
Hey Katherine! This is great! The concept is really cool, and I think I can see all of the vital elements here:
Protag: “rebellious son of a vindictive serial killer”
Goal: “save his family from his father”
Conflict/Antag: his father, who is a serial killer and trying to kill his family!
It’s all there. Nice! Very curious to see where your story goes, where it takes place, how it all plays out!
Thanks Naomi! Appreciate all you and everyone at STC do to help writers grasp the concept of story. Kudos on the article/blog post.
Thanks, Katherine!
I just had another thought about your logline: if it might be appropriate or helpful to sort of frame the story further, I wonder if it’s possible to indicate the arena of the story? Meaning, is this a contained thriller, does the son begin hunting Dad in his own hunting ground, etc. I love the concept and just want to see if there’s any way to get one more detail in there that would help characterize what kind of movie we’re watching.
Hope that’s useful :)
Hi!
Let me try! :)
It’s for a short film. It’s written in french but I translated the log line for you!
While Marc, just left by his wife, wants to find comfort with his sick father he has not seen for a year, he finds himself rather with the heavy task of fulfilling an old promise that will lead them both at the lake where, a few years ago, their lives took a dramatic turn.
Hi Pierre-Luc! There’s some good drama here, for sure! I would be curious to hear more and I think your logline could use a bit more specific detail about what the character, Marc, is doing — what is his goal, and how does he plan to achieve it?
It sounds like the goal might be “fulfill an old promise” — but I’d love to know at least a little hint more what that means. It also sounds like there’s something you’re holding back to reveal later (the “dramatic turn” description) which I think is great — no need to reveal the big twist if you don’t want to. But I would like to hear what the characters are doing up until that point — what is the promise, what does Marc have to do to fulfill it (in overview), what are we watching on screen until that big twist.
The details in the setup could be pared back, in order to make room for these new details. Something like, “Freshly divorced, Marc seeks the comfort of his childhood home but to get it must finally fulfill an old promise to his estranged father…” etc. etc. etc.
Hope that helps!
Hi, Naomi,
Would you review this logline, please?
At the turn of the twentieth century an Australian Aborigine takes a troop of boxing kangaroos to join Barnum and Bailey’s circus in America to restore his family’s pride.
Thanks
Hey Bryan! This is great — Sounds original and if it’s based on true events, that’s a good bonus hook!
Even though we can already infer a lot from your logline, you might think about tweaking the wording just to enhance the feeling of drama or difficulty of what he’s doing, and possibly what’s at stake.
Has the protag ever traveled out of his country? Out of his village? How does he transport the kangaroos? Does he confront racism, prejudice, etc.? And how will achieving this goal help to restore his family’s pride?
I really like what you have here, and I think if you can sort of fluff it up a bit to capture the excitement, drama, feeling of inspiration (it’s quite an underdog story), etc. it’ll be a great story to pitch!
Naomi,
I am grateful for your feedback.
In my research into Australia and this time period, I learned about the “Stolen Generation.” During this time, some religious organizations took over the raising of Aborigine children. In my story the hero discovers this form of kidnapping occurs in other parts of the world. He transforms from struggling to become rich to help his family to being a liberator figure.
Thanks for your suggestions because through them I can see ways to improve the logline and story.
So glad you found the feedback helpful! Sounds like a really compelling arena for a story — best of luck with it!
I would like to try. This is for a novel.
An affectionate goody two shoes college student finds out her haughty mother and weak-willed father were once SDS operatives.(Students for a Democratic Society) Her abrasive Aunt and eco-conscious boyfriend challenge her life choices to help her find out who she is really meant to be.
Thank you
Rita
Hi Rita! Sounds exciting and I’m curious to see where your story goes! The “challenge her life choices to help her find out who she is really meant to be” part of your logline tells me a little bit about what’s to come, but it’s still somewhat vague. I’d love to see you get more specific about what the main character’s goal is, and how she pursues that in the course of the story. Is the goal to uncover the truth about her parents? Is it to become an operative herself? Getting more specific about the part that comes after the setup will help us get a more solid grasp of what kind of story you’re telling, and what we can expect from your novel.
Hello Naomi
Thank you for reading my logline. I am going to work on what happens after the set-up this morning. Your feedback has helped me to get a stronger, clearer outline started.
I look forward to the next few hours with pen and paper.
Thank you
Rita
So glad you found the comments helpful, Rita! Best of luck with your stories. Look forward to hearing how it goes!
I would like to try another. This is for a screenplay.
A young secular family wins a contest to host the Catholic Pope at their home for a weekend. Their modern day lifestyle clashes with his traditional ways and the weekend is chaotic until they are forced to work together to solve a crisis.
Hey Rita! Thanks for submitting your loglines. Hope you’re finding the feedback useful!
For this one, a couple of questions come up —
1. Why would a secular family want to host the Pope to begin with? That seems like a logic bump you’ll need to give us plenty of context to get on board with.
2. I like how you’re describing the conflict between their lifestyle and his traditional ways (but again, this makes me wonder why they’d want him in their home), so I get a sense of some of what’s going on in Act 2. This is probably the beginning, or the “Fun and Games” section. But after that, what happens? What’s the plot? What is the crisis they have to solve together? And hopefully it has something to do with what’s at stake for the family… and maybe you can find a way to work that into the logline as well. That would flesh out the idea a little more fully so we can get a real sense of it.
Hope that helps!
Hello Naomi
Thank you for taking the time to go over my logline. Your feedback is very helpful to me. I now have a clearer picture of what work I need to do and I am looking forward to it!
Thank you
Rita
Jonathan Cradle finds himself on the mean, unforgiving streets of Los Angeles, where as a nobody, he’s trying to become somebody. Then, he meets a street junkie grandma angry with her own destiny, an eccentric “Homeless” Rabbi, and a rich, spoilt girl who “grew up too quick”. Together, in a twist of fate, they helped him fulfill his own destiny.
Hi Mason! The gritty world of your story is described vividly here, for sure! Fascinating, unusual characters give a good sense of the tone and style you’re aiming for. What’s less clear right now is what happens in the story. JC (your protag) finds himself on the streets of L.A., where he meets these interesting characters. That’s an potentially compelling set up… and where does the story go from there? What’s the main character trying to accomplish, i.e. his story goal? What’s standing in the way? (antagonist / conflict) Giving us more to go on with those two elements would really help us understand what kind of movie we’re watching, and what kind of entertainment we can expect to see on screen.
Naomi,
Thanks for taking time off your busy schedule to respond. In the story, Jonathan learns that the California dream is not as easy as he had envisioned. He is homeless, penniless, forced to panhandle, and even participates in a bull ride contest that nearly cost him his life. But each time he hit rock bottom, the homeless grandma, the eccentric “Homeless” Rabbi, and the rich, spoilt girl who “grew up too quick” came into his life at the right time. In the end, he accomplishes his goal of becoming “Somebody” by successfully selling his unique invention to a Frenchman.
When a reluctant priest with a troubled past helps a convicted killer find religion, he must take the killer’s place at the gallows, in order to satisfy the justice required by the Mayor’s law and help both the killer and himself repent of past deeds.
Hi Bob! This is a really interesting idea with what sounds like a ton of moral, ethical, spiritual ground to explore.
My question about the logline is this: which part do you see as the main journey of the movie (the Act 2 stuff)?
Is it the priest helping the killer to find religion? In the logline it seems like that might be the setup or Act 1 of the story, but if that’s the case then I’m not sure what the rest of the movie is, since what comes after looks like a fairly quick sequence of events (the priest takes the killer’s place in the gallows).
If the majority of the movie is actually after the priest takes the place in the gallows, then it would be helpful to show in the logline what happens after that. “Help both the killer and himself repent of past deeds” gives us a little hint of the tone and perhaps the theme, but what’s the plot action we’re watching on screen? Is it the priest reflecting on his life in flashback, from his new gallows home? Is it the priest helping other prisoners and in that way repenting?
There’s definitely enough here to capture my interest, I’d just love to have a clearer understanding of what the movie looks like — both the shape of it, and the type of action I’ll be watching.
Hope that helps!
When two overachieving successful computer geeks are at the top of their game, until the Feds close the company indirectly tarnishing their names, they must overcome the loss of income by working at a domestic house cleaning business, in order to pay their bills.
Hey Bob! I like how this one has a stark contrast between the characters (“overachieving successful computer geeks”) and their new environment (“working at a domestic house cleaning business”) for a real fish-out-of-water element.
I get who the protagonists are, and what they’re doing during the “adventure of Act 2” — working as housecleaners. So I think all of that is clear. What might be missing is a sense of conflict. Even though I get that they ARE fish out of water, I’m not sure achieving their story goal (“to pay their bills”) seems all that difficult. What’s stopping them? Are they that bad at housekeeping? And if so, why not find a different way to pay their bills?
One other thing to think about: what’s at stake in this story? If they don’t pay their bills, then what? Higher or more personal stakes can help get your audience invested in the story, so it’s worth thinking about how to really emphasize what will happen if the protags fail to achieve their story goal and/or why they HAVE to pursue this story goal.
While escorting a science team to a remote planet, disgraced Alliance Captain Noah Jameson finds himself and his crew in the path of an alien invasion of Alliance space. Noah must race against time to save the research team and his ship while finding a way to warn Earth.
Hey Jerry! Exciting story! This is great. I see who your protagonist is (“disgraced Alliance Captain” — very nice) and the problem he finds himself with (“in the path of an alien invasion”). “Race against time” gives us a sense of urgency, and we know his story goal “save the research team and his ship, while finding a way to warn Earth.” I think you have it all here! Nice work.
A foster boy with a great singing voice desperately wants to get adopted by a mom and dad. But then his Grandpa is kidnapped and taken to a land beyond the Forbidden Sky where Dark Mother, God Monsters, Blood Rats and Dark Storm Riders rage battle over the most powerful treasure of them all, the Lost Song, a gift only he can sing.
Hey BC! Love the imaginative elements you’ve included! I think you have everything you need as far as story elements, but it might be possible to tweak the logline so that the story is coming through clearly. Maybe something like:
“When a boy’s grandpa is kidnapped and taken to a magical land beyond the Forbidden Sky, to save him the boy must outrun the God monsters, Blood Rats, and Dark Storm Riders who are all after the most powerful treasure in the realm — the Lost Song, a gift only the boy can sing.”
You can adjust that, of course, to reflect your actual story more accurately. Hope it helps!
I’m so glad I discovered STC!
I’d really appreciate feedback on the longline for my first script:
Facing starvation, a self-exiled father and daughter confront the past, but when he is executed, she must face who she is and her ancestors plan to rid the world of religion.
I’m so glad to have discovered STC!
I’d really appreciate feedback on the longline for my first script:
Facing starvation, a self-exiled father and daughter confront the past, but when he is executed, she must face who she is and her ancestors plan to rid the world of religion.
Hey Matt! Glad you found STC too! It sounds like you have a really cool story world here and I think your logline might be able to use a little more specific detail to help us see exactly what’s happening in the movie.
For example, how do the characters “confront the past” — what does that look like on screen? What does it mean for the daughter to “face who she is”? And how does “her ancestors’ plan to rid the world of religion” create a problem or a goal for the protagonist to pursue?
I think if you can narrow in on some of these things and find ways to put them in the logline, you’ll give readers a much clearer and more concrete idea of what the movie is. Best of luck!
Thank you for the feedback Naomi. I will write another draft today.
How’s this?
Facing starvation, a self-exiled father and daughter must leave the wilderness of the Lake District for what remains is society, but when he is captured by his adopted brother, she must choose to embrace the dark designs of her ancestors or lead a reconciliation.
I swapped captured for executed as I felt it need SPOILER ALERT before it.
Hi Matt,
That seems like a good swap, changing out “captured” instead of “executed.” You might try something like:
“Facing starvation in the post-apocalyptic near future, a father and daughter leave their home in the wilderness in search of the remains of society. But when he is captured by hostiles, she must [embrace secret powers passed down to her by her ancestors] in order to save her father and the future of humankind.”
Now, this is probably very different than your story, but I’m just throwing it out there to give you a starting point to plug in pieces that are more accurate descriptions of your story. The part in brackets is the part that you’ll definitely need to tweak, since I’m not sure what happens in your story and I just filled that in with a guess.
Hope that helps!
“Delivered”
Log Line: Frank, an educted homeless man, lands a job as a postman- until he unknowingly delivers a package for the mob.
Hey Freddy! Cool concept! It would be great if the logline gave us a hint of what happens in the rest of the movie, after this great set up of your main character’s problem. So he’s working as a postman and he unknowingly delivers a package for the mob — what kind of situation does this throw him into? What specific problem does it cause for him and how does he plan to solve it? That will give you a story goal for him to pursue, and then if you can indicate the main force of antagonism, you’ll have a pretty complete logline for your story!
Awesome! Thanks for the feedback Naomi.
Challenge accepted :-)
“Delivered”
Log Line: A convicted felon with two strikes lands a job as a postman- until he unknowingly delivers a package for the mob. To prove his innocence and then keep his family alive, Frank must contact a prison inmate before it’s too late.
Awesome! I love how you described him — “a convicted felon with two strikes” tells me A LOT about his phase of life and what he has at stake going into the story, so that’s great. I’m getting much more of what happens in the movie from this version of the logline, too. The one piece I’m not quite clear on how it relates to the rest is “must contact a prison inmate”. Why is that what he has to do? How does this help solve the problem? I think once you clarify that part, we’ll have a solid sense of the movie here. Best of luck!
Great points and thanks for the constructive feedback Naomi!
I’ll hammer away at that aspect and repost. So glad you’re here and available at STC!
Freddy
“Delivered”
Log Line: A convicted felon with two strikes lands a job as a postman- until he unknowingly delivers a package for the mob. To prove his innocence and then keep his family alive, Frank must contact a ruthless rival prison inmate that can clear his name- before it’s too late.
So this is based on a true story and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by the facts of the story especially when trying to formulate a log line. Would love some feedback!
In 1989 a young woman who escaped domestic violence in Trinidad with illegal papers is fighting for the freedom to pursue her dreams when she falls in love with an up and coming musician on the Chicago House Music scene who doesn’t reveal to her that he has HIV.
Hey Emma! This is great — lots of compelling story elements to work with and it sounds like some interesting thematic/emotional territory to explore.
The details in the logline are great. I think the part that’s still sort of vague is what the main character herself is actually doing or pursuing. “Fighting for the freedom to pursue her dreams” is tough to understand in a concrete way. What does that look like? What’s the action we’re watching on screen?
So then the logline might be something like:
“In 1989, after escaping violent abuse in Trinidad, a young woman earns admittance at a highly competitive American university where she struggles to create a solid future for herself, but all that she’s overcome may be for naught when she falls in love with an up-and-coming musician who doesn’t reveal to her that he has HIV.”
These details are just place holders since I don’t know what happens in your story, but I think you can see I’m trying to describe the main elements and the things that will convey the central conflict and what’s at stake for the character (usually pretty important in a story like this, which is a little more internal / interpersonal / character based).
Hope that helps!
This is a logline for a YA novel. Thanks in advance.
When her old uncle is kidnapped and taken back to the magical world of Ersine, Ivy must follow and rescue him. It is there she learns his kidnapper and evil ruler, Najia, plans to destroy the kingdom Ivy and her uncle came from, and Ivy is the only one that can stop her.
Hey Vince! This sounds really cool! I’m curious – is Ivy’s story goal to rescue her uncle, or to save their kingdom? Either will work, but your answer will help me understand what we’re spending most of the movie watching on screen, the basic structure of the story. I think if you focus on the one that is the true story goal, that will help your logline convey a strong sense of the movie we’re in for. Hope that helps!
Thanks, Naomi.
Originally she was going there to save her uncle and then once there would find out that only she could save the kingdom. But now that you point it out I think it would be better if she knew from early on that she is needed to save the kingdom. She can be reluctant and only go there with the intention of saving her uncle and once there get on board with saving the kingdom. Probably at the midpoint she will make that decision.
So the real goal is to save the kingdom.
But is the midpoint too far along for her to commit to the cause?
Generally the audience needs to know what the story goal is at the end of Act 1. That way we know what we’re tracking as we move into Act 2. But how the character FEELS about that goal — i.e. she doesn’t care, she really wants to save her uncle and helping to save the kingdom is just a means to an end for her, etc. etc. etc. (however you want to shade it) — is one way you can convey the individual character, who she is, what her flaw is, and what her character arc looks like.
An alternate way to approach it would be to unite the 2 separate goals (and the goal-switch at the middle) under the umbrella of one strong, clear character arc. That arc then gives the story enough continuity so that it doesn’t feel jarring to switch goals at the midpoint. Legally Blonde is an example of this. (And I’ll have a blog post about this soon :) )
Hope that helps!
Thanks, Naomi. That really helps. And I look forward to the blog post.
Here’s my latest attempt:
Sins of the Fathers
“Facing starvation, a resolute young woman and her war-wounded father must return to the remains of society. But when he is captured by the government and it is revealed that her ancestors have manipulated world events for hundreds of years, leading to three world wars and the eradication of religion. She must choose whether to follow their dark designs or save her father and the future of the human race.”
Whilst this hits all the points, I’d appreciate your advise on making it more concise and punchy.
Hi Matt!
It seems like this is an epic story with big stakes, but there are still some things that seem a bit vague. I’m not quite sure what the real throughline of the story is. Are we watching the young woman try to save her father from his captors, or something else? (What is her story goal?) And what does “follow their dark designs” mean, in concrete terms? (How does this play out in actions on screen?)
As far as the logline itself — since you want to condense it a bit — you can eliminate the part that’s ramping up to the real meat of the story. It doesn’t really matter why the young woman and her father return to society — they just do.
Focus on the real throughline of the story, and if you can provide more specific details about what happens in the story (Act 1 setup, Act 2 escalation of conflict, Act 3 resolution) I’ll try to help you shape a logline that reflects it.
Best,
Naomi
Hi Naomi,
How about this?
A serial killer tries to track down the identity of another serial killer who is stealing his spotlight not knowing that it’s actually his estranged father.
Hey Andy! I’m a big fan of crime stories, so I’m totally your audience for this!
From the logline I can tell who your main character is — a serial killer, which is interesting and fairly unique! And I know what his goal is — to identify (and I’m guessing to stop) a competing serial killer.
The “stealing his spotlight” part indicates what’s at stake — it sounds like your protagonist is hungry for the fame that his killing brings him, and if he doesn’t stop this other serial killer, the protag will lose that fame. While I think this is clear, I’m not sure a lot of people will root for a killer who is in it for the spotlight. Now, that might not be a big consideration to you — it kind of depends on the tone of the project. If it’s a dark comedy and you’re saying something about our society, maybe this is exactly what you want in order to make that statement. But if this is a more grounded and straightforward thriller / drama, it might be worth exploring how you can make the protagonist someone that the audience will be able to invest in in some way.
The reveal of the other killer being his estranged father is a good start. There might be something in that relationship that you can mine to help create a protagonist that we “get” — and that will help us root for him, even if we don’t agree with his actions. I mean, Dexter is kind of the prime example of this.
Anyway — sounds like a promising idea! Hope these suggestions help and look forward to seeing where it goes!
Maomi,
A friend recommended this site tonight. I am getting ready for pitch and after some harsh feedback a friend recommended this site. this is literally the first thing I read. I’d love your feedback.
“In a Medieval fantasy world, a lone mercenary is recruited and eventually befriends the highly charismatic and talented leader of a mercenary band, who has dreams of becoming a king. As they rise together, overcoming the insurmountable odds of war, politics, and class, a supernatural object from the leader’s past gives him power at the price of a terrible betrayal. Altering the two men’s destinies and their world forever.”
I realize you must get inundated with people wanting to send you stuff for feedback but i’m getting ready for pitch and could use another opinion on my treatment. I’d to have you take a look at it/I realize your time is valuable though. thanks
Hi Quinn! So glad you found the site!
The description of your project sounds pretty complete. I know who the protagonist is (the lone mercenary), and I can infer what this movie looks like, even if you don’t come right out and state the story goal. Meaning, it sounds like your protag’s story is all about his relationship with this mercenary leader guy, and what that brings into the protag’s life. It will likely be fun and exciting at first, inhabiting this new world, and then take a turn in the second half, when the protag is exposed to the downside of this new lifestyle, and the leader’s betrayal (I think that’s right — this part is a little confusing in your description). A movie with a similar shape is The Last King of Scotland. I’m sure there are many other “mentor” type stories that you could compare it to as well.
So I do think your summary is pretty solid, although if you were looking to tweak it at all I’d say the part that is confusing is: “a supernatural object from the leader’s past gives him power at the price of a terrible betrayal. Altering the two men’s destinies and their world forever.” From these lines I’m just not sure who is betraying who, how that affects the protag and the pursuit of his goal, if it affects the stakes, etc.
Hope that’s helpful!
As for the treatment, I’d be happy to help. You’re welcome to book a general consultation session through the STC link here:
http://www.savethecat.com/services/scriptcoverage
Best of luck with your pitch!
Hi Naomi,
I have been listening to ‘Save the Cat! Strikes Back’ and it – as well as your post – has helped me in coming up with my logline. Thanks for taking the time to read!
“On the verge of returning from the forest to his tribe, a lumberer’s
daughter’s disappearance during unnatural cold conditions make him traverse the known and unknown parts of the forest to find her;
but when an ethereal experience bounds him to be blind and
accelerates his aging, he must learn to accept his blindness and adapt to a weird but wonderful world where time seems to stand still in order to see his daughter again.”
Thanks for reading, Tom! I’m so glad it’s been helpful.
I think your logline is pretty solid, but there might be some things you can do to streamline it.
I see who the main character is — the lumberer. (Is there another word for this? I’m not sure everyone will understand what you mean.)
The story goal appears to be “to reunite with his daughter”. It’s only once that goal is achieved that the movie is over.
From the description here, it sounds like the main forces of antagonism are the environment of the forest, and later his blindness / accelerated aging, and perhaps the “weird but wonderful world where time seems to stand still” — though I’m not sure if that’s what you intended.
I’m also not totally sure what an “ethereal experience” is, so you might think about how to clarify that part as well but I’ll use it below as a placeholder that you can tweak with something more specific.
So you might try something like, “When a lumberer’s daughter disappears, he sets out to find her, traversing the known and unknown parts of the forest, until an ethereal experience causes his blindness and accelerated aging, and leaves him in a world where time seems to stand still. He must adapt to the unfamiliar world if he hopes to see his daughter again.”
Once you streamline the description, you can start to see the things that are a little confusing. For example, I’m not sure what it really means that he has to adapt to that new world if he wants to see his daughter again. It’s a description that doesn’t feel quite concrete enough to understand the movie. Searching for her in the forest is clear. Adapting to a weird world where time stands still is less clear. Make sense?
Hope that helps!
Hi Naomi,
Thanks for reading this stuff!
“A brilliant Florida Zoologist, Vanessa Birch, and her Eco-activist partner search for the root of a dangerous state-wide explosion in the population of Burmese Pythons. Vanessa finds herself going up against Big Pharma baddies who are genetically altering python serum for profit, and her own partner – after a horrific accident causes his transformation to a murderous half-man, half-snake.”
Hey Mike! Your story sounds great!
A couple of things to think about:
Generally you don’t need to include character names in a logline unless it’s really vital to the concept, like if it’s a biopic or if the logline is just too confusing to explain with out it.
The other thing is, is this a movie or a novel? If it’s a movie, I’m guessing the main thrust of the action (Act 2) is battling her partner after the accident. That’s the main conflict that we can really see. So if that’s the case, then most of the logline is set-up that we probably don’t absolutely need to understand the concept of the movie.
If what I’m saying sounds right, then you might try something like:
“After a horrific accident transforms her partner into a murderous half-man, half-snake, a brilliant zoologist must stop his rampage in order to save her family and the Florida home she loves [or whatever the stakes are in your story].”
Again — I’m sure the details here are wrong (I’m just guessing at the stakes) and you can probably get more specific with *how* she goes about stopping him, but hopefully this gives you a start.
If the main thrust of the story is actually the research into why the Python population has exploded, then put that front and center in the logline and make sure we understand the story centers around *that*.
Bottom line: Focus on the main conflict so we know what kind of movie we’re getting. :)
Hope that helps!
Very helpful, Naomi!
I was sort of going in order of the plot but… not necessary! Get right to the snake man! :)
Thanks a lot,
Mike
“Sins of Saints”
Streetwise butch, Danielle, falls in love with a deeply troubled, beautiful girl and tries to save her by encouraging her with her music career and keeping her away from drugs; but when she finds out Marian has been working in a brothel and is doing drugs, she must learn she can only save herself if Marian chooses self-destruction.
(Based on a true story)
Thanks!
Hey Lilly! Thanks for posting your logline. It sounds like a really interesting character-based story about a doomed relationship and a pivotal life lesson.
I think you’ve done a good job with the logline. Stories like these can be a little harder to sum up because the activity of the story isn’t easily described in cinematic terms, you know?
From your logline, I know who your main character is. I get what’s at stake. And I even get what’s happening and what the opposition is, even though — again — that action throughline is hard to define. Just to offer another option, maybe something like:
“A streetwise young woman falls in love with a troubled female musician and struggles to save her from addiction and gain attention for her talent, but ultimately the young woman must choose to save herself when the musician gives into her self-destruction.”
Hope that helps!
Thank you, Naomi! Yes– this one’s been really tough, but I finally recently figured out/decided on the theme, which is helping to shape the story and give it direction.
Your post and reading everyone’s loglines and your notes is very helpful.
Hey Naomi, I am a comic storyteller, so this is for Graphic Novel format (100 pgs or so)…
In a future age when humanity has become complacent from the luxuries of constant innovation, two brothers enter an unbelievably difficult, hi-speed, motorcycle grand prix where human riders were replaced long ago by corporate artificial intelligence.
-Star Circuit-
Hey Joe! Sounds like a really exciting idea and I love the title!
I think I understand the concept here. Your protags are the brothers. (It would be great to learn something about them in the logline, btw. Why are they the protags?)
Their goal is (ostensibly) to win the “unbelievably difficult, hi-sppeed motorcycle grand prix.” And the main force of antagonism seems built right in — it’s an unbelievably difficult task they’re taking on.
Now, what could be missing from this description is a sense of the stakes. This may be tied to the ‘why these protagonists’ question. Why are they doing this? What’s at stake? What’s their motivation? What happens if they fail? I don’t know if this is implied by either the “humanity has become complacent from the luxuries of constant innovation” part or the “human riders were replaced long ago by corporate artificial intelligence” part because I’m not completely sure what either of those phrases mean. So a little specificity might help there.
Again, very cool story, though, and I think you’re on the right track.
Hope that helps!
Thanks so much for the reply. You’re the best for getting to everyone’s comments! It became blatantly clear that I am missing the answers to those questions. I know it is imperative to get those motivations and stakes locked down. Thanks again, it definitely helps.
Thanks, Joe! So kind of you to say and I’m glad the feedback was helpful :)
Hi Naomi,
Thanks for feeding back on my log-line about the serial killer.
Learnt a lot from what you were saying about the protagonist.
Here’s a stab at another log-line.
Love to know what you think.
The bored housewife of a big blockbuster action star must come to his rescue and remember her skills as an ex-cop after he gets abducted by real terrorists who hold him at ransom.
Cheers,
Andy
Hey Andy! Glad those notes were helpful.
The new logline sounds awesome! Very much a fresh take on the familiar. Protagonist is the bored housewife. The story goal is to rescue her husband, who is being held for ransom. The main force of antagonism is the terrorists. Great! It’s all very clear and I totally get it. The extra details you have — the big blockbuster action star, and the skills as an ex-cop — are totally worth adding because they heighten the concept by adding irony and an idea of where the humor comes from. I love it. Look forward to reading it!
And by the way — you don’t *have* to add this, but if there’s anything about the world/location that further defines it, like if it all takes place in one location (a la Die Hard), you could add that too.
A grieving young man abandons everything he knows by grabbing a bicycle to traverse the land and somehow recover what was lost.
Hi Clint — for some reason my response to your comment didn’t nest so I’m just replying again to make sure you don’t miss it. You should be able to find my comments on your logline directly below. Cheers!
Hey Clint! So I think there’s something compelling and classic about your idea — a grieving person doing something that seems sort of out-of-the-box but amazing. Like Cheryl Strayed’s “Wild” comes to mind (and the movie with Reese Witherspoon). So there’s something there, but the logline could use a little more description to help convey what really happens in the movie.
I know who your protag is — the grieving young man. And I know he sort of drops out of his life, grabs a bicycle, and hits the road. Great! And then what happens? Do we watch him ride his bike for an hour? Does he encounter anyone or anything? How does this journey force him to confront his grieving, and how does it create some change in him? And what does it mean to “recover what was lost” — what does that look like on screen? You already have the emotional core there, so try to also give us some concrete indication of the movie we’ll be sitting in the theater to see and your logline will feel complete. Best of luck!
How is this?
Recently divorced and fired from his job, a former construction worker embarks on a cross country journey by bicycle to find a new place to live. Along the way, he encounters a series of characters, some from the fringe of society, that shape his life.
This is a true story
Hey Clint! I really like this version — I get a much clearer idea of what’s happening in the movie. It sounds like a very character-driven story but I can still see important structural components — your protagonist, his goal — and all described in ways that give me a good sense of the feel of the story. The conflict seems to mostly come from the difficulty of the task of riding a bicycle cross country, so there may be room there to bolster it if you can. But honestly, what you have here sounds like it’s probably very true to the movie and the type of story you want to tell so I’m not sure I’d even worry about upping the conflict in this logline. Nice work!
Thank you Naomi. The outward conflict is the physical journey, but the inward conflict, the bigger one, is about the side effects of leaving home for the first time and leaving behind the only people who care about him. He becomes a transient which makes it harder to stop roaming and begin a life again. I am filming a trailer of this soon so maybe the internal will be shown in balance with the external.
Hi Naomi,
Thank you for the post above and all your input on people’s loglines. So generous of you.
Here is mine (for a TV pilot):
A codependent artist debates joining a support group (sect?) that claims to help people dive deep into their emotions in order to fight the dullness she feels inside during her partner’s work-related absences.
Thank you!
Hi Faith! Yours is the 100th comment so that must be good luck or something. :)
As for your logline, I think the world of your show sounds really interesting and unusual — I’m pretty sure there’s nothing else like it on TV.
Where your logline might be able to use some tweaking is with the description “debates joining” since this indicates what we’re watching onscreen is someone thinking about a decision. I’m sure that’s not what you have planned for your show, so there’s probably another way to describe what the show is actually about. What kind of things are we watching onscreen? What happens in future episodes? What engine generates those stories?
Hope that helps!
Hi Naomi!
100th comment! That’s a testament to your amazing work and for the need writers have for feedback.
Thank you so much for your help. I’ve been trying to rework my concept and the logline to tackle the issue you mention (which I know is linked to a problem with my storyline).
How is this, is it too general?
After a fight with her partner, a codependent artist enlists in a support group (sect?) that claims to help people explore their emotions and becomes entangled in the human drama of its members while making headway through the unusual program’s steps.
Hi Faith! Thanks for the kind words.
I do think your new logline version conveys and idea of what the series will be, so good work. You can probably streamline it further to something like:
“A closet co-dependent joins an empowerment group but becomes entangled in the human drama of its members while struggling to make headway through the unusual program’s steps.”
This might not totally align with your show concept so you should feel free to adjust accordingly, but I do want to explain why I made a few of the changes:
1. I don’t think you need “fight with her partner” because although it is an inciting incident for the show I don’t think it’s a very unusual or strong hook, so consider getting straight to what’s interesting about the concept — the qualities of the group and the protag’s interactions with it.
2. I described your protag as a “closet co-dependent” because it implies some inner conflict/flaw (she doesn’t want to admit her own problems while also believing she’s doing something positive — joining a self-help group — and I think we all know people like this!). I removed “artist” from the description because I’m not sure how it ties in to the concept — is this group specifically for artists or made up of artists? If not, then might be better to leave it out.
3. Changed it to “empowerment group” because it creates conflict between the protag’s qualities (co-dependent) and the world of the show. It also implies the other members are active — they’re all trying to DO something (get empowered, change their lives) rather than what “support group” might make us think of, which is sitting in a circle and talking.
So those are just a few ideas for you. All with the aim of showing there is conflict built into the concept, as that is the primary source of future episodes. If we can start to see the nature of the conflict, we can start to grasp what kinds of things we’ll be watching from week to week.
Hope that helps!
Oh wow thank you so much for that insightful feedback and example of a more appealing logline Naomi! All the points you made are oiling my brain cogs. So very appreciated, you have no idea! :D
Hi Naomi,
Thank you so much for all the guidance you give.
A screwball comedy about a victim of the “Sandwich Generation” and the three generations of Rodman women who have their dreams “almost” dashed when the granddaughter gets kidnapped in Italy and all the odds are stacked against her mother finding her.
Hi Rochelle! You have some great elements here and I think they’ll make for a really fun story!
For the logline, it seems like your protagonist is the Rodman woman in the sandwich generation. And her story goal appears to be to rescue her kidnapped daughter.
So much of the logline is setup, though, and we don’t really get a sense of what happens after the kidnapping. Why does mom try to rescue her daughter rather than let the authorities do it? And what does she have to do — what kind of actions do we watch her take? What are we seeing on screen? I think if you answer these questions you’ll come up with some phrases you can use in the logline that help us see what kind of movie we’ll be watching.
Hope that helps!
Hi Naomi,
Thank you for your guidance.
When an exiled demon descends on depression-era Las Vegas, a devoted widow must convince a band of outsiders to help her kill it before Sin City becomes an actual hell on earth.
Thanks,
Ben
Compared with this slightly modified version. Thanks again.
When an exiled demon follows her to depression-era Las Vegas, a devoted widow must recruit a band of outsiders to help her kill it before Sin City becomes an actual hell on earth.
Hi Ben! Both versions of your logline work well. I know who your main character is — the devoted widow. I know what her goal is — kill an exiled demon, who is also the antagonist/major obstacle. We have the fate of Sin City (and probably more) at stake. And I get an idea of how she’s going to go about achieving her goal — by convincing a band of outsiders to help her.
So all of that is great and I love the world of this movie — depression-era Las Vegas. That sounds really cool.
If I could make one suggestion, I’d love to see more contrast or irony in the protag description/characterization. What makes this protag either uniquely suited to this task, or a real underdog?
Either one can work, but it’s generally stronger to pick one of those two directions and lean in. For instance she could be a reformed voodoo witch doctor (implying she has certain skills that would lend themselves to fighting demons, but there’s some inner conflict because she’s left that world behind). Or maybe she’s a sheltered young bride who’s widowed on her wedding night — implying she’s young and naive to the world in general, maybe never been on her own at all, and now suddenly she’s fighting demons and saving the world. Those ideas may be far off from what you’re going for, but I’m just throwing out examples to try to illustrate.
What I’m circling around is that I’m not completely sure what “devoted widow” does for the story. How does this tie into the goal or the stakes? How does it contribute cohesiveness to the concept? A smaller consideration, but since you have everything else in place it’s worth thinking about. Great logline!
Naomi, I appreciate the feedback. She is definitely more the young bride you mentioned. And while her devotion certainly factors into the story, I agree there’s an opportunity to dial up the irony. Thanks again.
Hi Naomi,
Thanks for your attention and help on this article!
A reserved teen princess of the fiercely prideful Bos strives for peace when a secretive nation threatens their border and takes her mother captive.
Or
Recently married into the fiercely prideful Bos, a reserved teen princess strives for peace when a secretive nation threatens their border and takes her mother captive.
Thanks again. :)
Hey Jennifer! Sounds like a vivid, exciting story! However, I think right now it’s not quite clear how all of these elements work together. Breaking it down:
I know who your main character is (reserved teen princess). And I know what her problem is — her mother is taken captive. But how does that problem cause her to form the story goal — to achieve peace?
I’m also not quite sure why it’s important to know that she is reserved, or that the tribe she’s married into is fiercely prideful. What does that add to the concept? Both may very well work and be great choices, I’m just not seeing the connections and the interplay with the other elements. If we can easily see how the elements work together, we get a sense of the cohesiveness of the story and that the story is greater than the sum of its parts, if that makes sense.
Also, what does that goal look like, exactly? Is it a peace agreement between the leaders of two nations? Is it the end of the war the breaks out? And how does your protagonist facilitate that? Meaning, what is she doing to achieve her goal? The description of that action will help us grasp what kind of story we’re in for.
So those are a few things to think about. Just a little tweaking and tightening so that your story is accurately and fully conveyed in the logline.
Hope that helps!
Thank you for replying! The reserved and fiercely prideful was supposed to be part of the conflict. She’s not the type to be throwing her weight around while the Bos do and quite fiercely too. The other country has started to build what could be a fortress (in the Bos’ eyes, or a cliff dwelling) on their border. The princess is not so sure this is an act of war though. This is the inciting incident. So she is supposed to get them to want peace between a country that may threatening them. Between her and the Bos they try different tactics of figuring out how to deal with the other country as they build: she wants diplomacy and the Bos want to show the other country they’re not to be pushed around (hawkish, almost). So for act 2 they go back and forth, failing to achieve each other’s goal until the fortress is built. The finale is the Bos have had a siege on the now completed fortress/cliff dwelling and the princess has to end the siege without having her mother get killed and without destroying any chance for peace. I hope that’s not confusing.
Hi Jennifer! Thanks for clarifying the details. It’s interesting — when you explain reserved vs. prideful, I can see how they might be somewhat in conflict. But on their face they don’t automatically read that way. That may just be my interpretation of the words, so it might be worth polling some other people to get a consensus. I guess I would go with “humble”, “modest” or “meek” as being more truly opposite to “prideful”. Or, to oppose “reserved” maybe something like “bold”, “aggressive”, or “showy”?
So after reading a bit more about your story, maybe your logline would be something like:
“A reserved teen, who’s just become princess of an aggressive tribe she married into, has her leadership put to the test when her mother is kidnapped and the princess must negotiate peace along the borderlands before her new tribe declares war, endangering her own mother in the process.”
Hope that helps!
Thank you very much for your time and help! Much appreciated!
An ex-smuggler seeks a quiet life, until past criminal associates find him and terrorize his new family, demanding a bigger cut from their last job.
Hey Paul! I think this logline looks pretty good! I know who your main character is — the ex-smuggler — and I get what his problem is, since he wants a quiet life and his old associates are trying to pull him back in. Your use of “terrorize” makes me think this is going to be a pretty dark story, so that’s really coming across.
Even though the story goal isn’t explicitly stated, I think I get what kind of movie this is — your protag is trying to protect his new family from his old criminal associates, and I’m guessing he can’t just hand over the money they want, probably because he doesn’t have it. You might consider working in a more pointed description of his story goal, just for clarity’s sake, if you can work it in elegantly.
Another thing that might help convey an even sharper sense of the story is to give us an idea of what contains this movie. Is it one location, like The Strangers? A small town, like Cape Fear? Is there a ticking clock or deadline of some sort? If your concept has an element like this, including it in the logline could help give us an idea of the shape or feel of the movie.
Just a few thoughts for you. Hope those help!
Chamelion shape shifter Stride and his ragtag bunch of Peace Parasites fight against entrenched elites to make democracy real. It takes a solar-powered blimp, time travel, levitation, a soulful jazz band on a river barge and a passel of bicycling tax collectors to drum up a magical-realist scenario of a future government that really is of, by and for the people.
Hey David! I love the colorful detail in your description. Only I’m not sure what happens in the story. If this is a movie, what am I watching on screen? Stride and his ragtag crew are trying to accomplish the goal of making democracy real… what does that look like in the context of this story? How will I know when we’ve reached “a magical-realist scenario of a future government that really is of, by and for the people”? And is there a specific “entrenched elite” (or small group, perhaps) that Stride is up against in pursuing his goal?
You have all the cool , vivid extras –now we just need to know what the shape of the story looks like.
Many thanks, Naomi.
Stride & his crew fight, nonviolently, against fat cats of several stripes, plus a deployment of the U.S. Army. [But this seems too much to say. In short, it would be ‘against the existing order’…even more bland than ‘entrenched elites.’]
We’ll know when the next step closer to a democracy ‘of-by-and-for’ is reached when legislative representation reflects, much more closely, the demographic reality of the whole population. [But this seems, to me, to give away too much of where the struggle is going. I would prefer the audience attend to the underlying argument, fresh.]
So, taking into consideration your comments, here’s another shot:
Chamelion shape-shifter Stride and his ragtag bunch of Peace Parasites nonviolently fight against the powers-that-be to make democracy real. It takes a solar-powered blimp, time travel, levitation, a soulful blues band on a river barge and a passel of bicycling tax collectors to drum up a projected future government that really is — despite all the magical-realist hocus pocus — a viable next step towards a democracy that is… Of, By and For… The People.
I ran with something close to what I posted.
Thanks again. Your remarks were helpful.
A disenchanted woman who survived familicide as a youth must face the demons of her past as she tries to protect those she loves from an obsessed present-day murderer.
Oops, for some reason my reply to your message didn’t thread properly. So just in case you’re not notified of all new messages, my thoughts on your logline are posted below.
Hey Yolanda! Sounds like a gripping, dark story for sure. I know who your protag is (disenchanted woman who survived familicide), and I know what her goal is (protect loved ones), and I know who the antagonist is (obsessed murderer). So all of that is clear.
Is there a connection between the present-day murderer and the familicide? That’s one detail that could help to bring this concept into sharper focus. The “face the demons of her past” part may allude to it, but if that connection does exist I think you can be more explicit with it in the logline since that could provide even more of a hook for your concept.
Also, I’d say you could add a bit more specific detail to help us understand what sets this story apart from others that might be similar. Is there an arena it takes place in, or a time frame that makes it unique? There are so many serial killer type projects out there right now, it’ll really help to get a little more specific so we can see how yours is different. Best of luck!
Naomi, thank you so much for your great feedback. Wow; I really appreciate it.
Let me go home and ponder on this and then I’ll revise it to take into account what you’ve advised.
I knew there was “something” missing and now you’ve pointed me in a positive direction.
Thank you!
Hi, This is my log-line for my screenplay ‘The Isle of Thom,’ adapted from my book of the same name.
“An arguing couple gets stranded on a mysterious island, and must find a way to work together to survive.”
Thank you
Rick Miller
Hi Rick! Your logline has all of the big pieces in place — I see who the main characters are (arguing couple), I see what they need to do over the course of the movie (work together to survive), and I can infer where the conflict comes from (interpersonal, as well as man vs. nature with the “mysterious island”, plus maybe something more – see below). So all of that is great!
Where I think your logline would benefit from some additional tweaking, is in providing a little more of the detail that sets your script apart from other similar stories. What differentiates it from, say, “Six Days, Seven Nights”? Or “Retreat”? Or “Swept Away”? Or “The Most Dangerous Game”? Each of these could be described by a logline similar to yours, but with some added detail we can see how each is different — and exactly what each offers in terms of cinematic experience and entertainment value.
Hope that helps!
Ok I hope I’m not cheating by submitting three loglines, but I’m working on a Monster Movie Trilogy inspired by B-movie Mad Scientists, Alien and Aliens, Dungeons and Dragons, Area-51 paranoia, and good, old fashioned Teens-Getting-Chased-by-Beasties. (I want to pitch to Sy Fy channel and the like)
Here it goes;
Monster World Trilogy
Orcus Rising
Invited by the “rich kids” for a final hunting trip before leaving for college, lesbian-curious, artistic goth-child Rachel Raven and her cheerleader friends find themselves hunted by genetically engineered “Orc” monstrosities bent on rape and carnivorous feasting.
Planet of the Orcs
After surviving the “Orc” onslaught at the hunting lodge, Rachel Raven and her companions have to get back to civilization to try to warn the rest of the world about the “Orc” threat before it’s too late. It’s too late.
Battle for the Planet of the Orcs
Armed with the “special secret” weapons designed by Professor Cleland and the newfound psychic powers granted to those who drank the crazed Geneticist, Professor Martin Monroe’s, ElixerX, Rachel and the remnants of humanity fight for survival and dominance in a vicious world of mutated creatures controlled by the mad genius who spawned them.
Hey Greg! Very cool idea! Overall I think your loglines are spot on. I have just a couple of small tweaks that might help streamline and/or clarify:
Orcus Rising: If the rich kids aren’t that vital to the story (they’re neither the protags nor the antags/monsters), do we need this in the logline? Might be simpler to start with something like, “On a last-fling-before-college weekend trip,…” etc.
Planet of the Orcs: Kind of similar note — if “hunting lodge” isn’t vital, it might be more streamlined to say, “After surviving an “Orc” onslaught during a weekend in the country…” etc. Something like that would also help each logline stand alone as an independent story.
Battle for the Planet of the Orcs: There are a lot of specifics in this one that aren’t totally clear if you’re unfamiliar with the first two stories. If want them to be able to stand alone (and you may not need them to), I would try to work this into a more traditional logline that doesn’t include specific character names unless absolutely necessary.
Hope that helps and best of luck!
I’m pretty new at this, but here’s my logline.
Gripped with the loss of her family, do to a hostile alien invasion. Cpt. Mira Hernandez signs up for the experimental gynosis program in hopes to save planet earth from destruction.
Hey Justin! There’s some exciting stuff in your concept, for sure! From your logline I can see who your main character is (grieving female military Captain). And I can see there’s a big problem and her general goal is to save Earth from destruction. I’m guessing that the hostile alien invasion is the major conflict / the thing that’s opposing her achieving her goal. So that’s all good.
Where I’m a little lost is what “experimental gynosis” is, how that will save the planet from destruction, what it requires your hero to do, and what it looks like on screen. I think if you can clarify that part, it’ll help us have a better sense of what this movie is going to look like and what story we’re specifically watching. It’ll also help us see how this movie is different from others in the same category. Hope that helps you!
Actually that’s helps a lot Ty. Gynosis program basically turns her into a gynoid, pretty much one super cool robot. Gonna have to think on how to quickly summarise that part. Again Ty for the help.
Hi Naomi. My writing partner and I are working on our first script, an adaptation of a Hans C Anderson fairy tale.
Here is the longline we’ve worked out, following Blake’s model of keeping it to one sentence :
« A demure young noblewoman teams up with a stouthearted traveling minstrel to search for her cursed brothers. »
We really appreciate all that you and the others do at Save the Cat!
Hi Lisa! It’s a clever idea to adapt a fairy tale — there are so many directions you can take that basic story core! In your logline, I can see these essentials clearly:
Protag – demure young noblewoman
Goal – find her brothers
And I think there is conflict implied, because I’m guessing the search is arduous, the terrain maybe unforgiving, things like that will make it difficult. If you can get a little more specific about what makes it so difficult that would help bring the concept into even more focus. Meaning, where are they searching? What’s the nature of what they come up against, that stands in their way? Is there one main antagonist — maybe whoever has the brothers, whoever has cursed the brothers, or someone who is pursuing the noblewoman?
I also see conflict built into your concept in the relationship between the noblewoman and her traveling companion, so that’s great! It will add a lot to the journey. That’s not her main force of antagonism, though (I don’t think — he’s not the big thing standing in the way of finding her brothers, right?) so you definitely want to try to include the main antagonist/conflict as well.
Hope that helps!
Thank you, Naomi, it certainly does. We’ll rework this one a bit, and try again.
Hello again, Naomi. Here is another attempt at our logline.
“After witnessing her eleven brothers turned into swans by their bungling stepmother, a young noblewomen must leave the safety and comfort of her home, joined by a wandering minstrel, to search for them, and finds herself in the castle of her betrothed, where his nefarious counselor attempts to dispatch her.”
This seems awfully long to me, but I was trying to include all the things you suggested.
Hi Lisa! This version is much more specific, which I think is great. I think there’s kind of a split in the focus, though, which makes it tough for me to gauge which part is the real focus of the movie. Are we mostly watching the young noblewoman search for her brothers? Is that the main conflict and goal that, once it’s accomplished, will end the movie? Or is the main focus of the movie the part of about ending up in the castle of her betrothed and going up against his nefarious counselor? These feel like two different lines of action, and I’m not completely sure how they interact or how they’re connected. In your original logline it sounded like the story goal was to find her brothers, so if that’s the case then maybe something like this for your logline?
“After witnessing her eleven brothers turned into swans by an evil curse, a young noblewoman teams up with a mysterious wandering minstrel to search the kingdom for them, going up against a scheming counselor who aims to destroy her entire family.”
A couple of notes: I left out stepmother because she doesn’t seem to be an ongoing problem for the protagonist. Also, I think one of the reasons your revised logline feels a bit off is because it’s not clear what the cause-and-effect is between the elements. You can see in the wording of my version that I’m trying to make everything sound connected, but I don’t know if what I’ve written is actually true to your story. How does the stepmother turning the brothers into swans relate to the protagonist’s problem with her betrothed’s counselor? Are the two villains working together? If the noblewoman seeks to find her brothers, why is she getting involved with her betrothed and his counselor — shouldn’t she stay focused on her goal? (The answer is yes – she should always be pursuing her story goal – that’s the throughline of your screenplay.)
I know that’s a lot to think about but I hope it’s helpful in getting clarity on the story you’re telling!
You’re right, Naomi. I’ve been seeing and learning as I write. We do have a lot going on in our story! I’ve been wondering how to manage it all smoothly.
It’d take a bit of explaining, but I may just try to simplify the plot.
We’ve actually already written the script, and had it reviewed by a script reader.
He said the same thing you have, basically.
So now, following a recommendation of Blake’s we’re reading Viki King’s book « How to Write a Movie in 21 Days »
And I’ll read Michael Hague’s book, « Writing Screenplays that Sell »
I love our story, and, with the admirable help of people such as yourself, we’ll see it through.
Don believes if he moves to Miami from D.C. to become a gym owner, his life would be stable enough to get full custody of his daughter, he ends up stuck working pay check to pay check for a corporate gym, the strong family like bond built amongst his co working keep him thriving
Hi Don! You have a cool unique world to explore in this story! I’m curious if this idea is for a feature or a TV series? I think there are elements in it that lend themselves to each format.
One of the things that makes it seem like a TV series is the focus in the logline on the family of coworkers, which is great — but if you’re aiming for a feature, it would be helpful to show us a bit more about the main conflict he’s going to confront during the movie.
While I definitely know who your main character is (Don the aspiring gym owner), and I know what his goal is (to own a gym so that his life is stable enough to get custody of his daughter), I’m not sure what the main force of opposition or antagonism is (what’s standing in his way and/or working against him in the pursuit of his goal?) or how the other elements you’ve included contribute to the main throughline and main conflict of the story. I think once you clarify that last element you’ll be able to tweak this logline to really convey the core concept and the appeal of the story. Best of luck!
Hi Naomi,
Your comments on other people’s loglins are so insightful I hope you can do the same for mine! It’s for a short film for the indi circuit, and the title is ‘Housewarming.’ Here’s the logline:
It’s party night at Rob’s new house by the bay, and everybody’s celebrating – except Rob, who is drinking alone, feeling unloved, and desperate to come in from the cold.
Hi Duncan! Thanks so much for the kind words! From what I can see in the logline it seems like your idea is fitting for a short film — sounds like one location, one night, and a limited number of featured roles. I can tell who your protag is (Rob), but I’m not quite sure what happens in the story other than Rob drinking alone outside his own party.
Is he locked out? Does he have social anxiety? Is he a ghost? I’m guessing none of these are accurate for your story, but they all spring from what’s in the logline and I have no idea which one of them might be right. So your goal is to get more specific in the logline, so we can tell what *actually* happens. Does that make sense? Tell us the protag’s goal in a more concrete way than “to come in from the cold” — unless that is exactly what his external, physical goal really is, in which case it would be helpful to give us a little more in the logline so we understand that. And tell us where the conflict is coming from. Why can’t Rob get that goal?
Once we know what those pieces of the puzzle are, we’ll have a much better sense of what your short film is about, and what we’ll be watching on screen when we sit down in the theater. Hope that helps!
Thanks Naomi. I do have answers for most of your questions, but so far I haven’t worked out how to fit them into 30 words. Back to the pad and pencil!
Hi Naomi, I am struggling with my novel Stars That Lie, and am excited by the great advice you are providing via the Logline exercise.
When a brilliant spacecraft engineer raised by aliens on a polluted industrial planet, discovers a device that controls an intergalactic portal, she must abandon her selfish obsession with regaining citizenship in the elite society of the mother who abandoned her, face her darkest fears, and redeem her humanity, as she attempts to stop a team of corrupt scientists (led by her biological mother)from using the portal to allow alien monsters to feed on a helpless world.
Hi Bruce!
Your story sounds great — lots of cool world-building, and a heroine I can root for. And it seems like you have a complete story arc there. My only suggestion would be to streamline a bit, since actually cutting a few of the details will help the core appeal of the story shine through. Maybe something like:
“When a brilliant engineer raised by aliens on a distant planet discovers an intergalactic portal and a plot to allow alien monsters to feed on helpless citizens*, she must find a way to stop the corrupt scientists behind the scheme — a team led by her own biological mother.”
Now, a couple of notes:
*I don’t really know who the monster aliens are feeding on (is it people of Earth? Of her home planet? Of the entire galaxy?), so change that out as needed.
Also, you could add a statement of the stakes there at the end. Like, “–before the people of her home planet are driven extinct” or whatever is at stake in your story, although that may be sufficiently covered when you adjust the “helpless citizens” placeholder I used.
Also also, I’m assuming that the main action of the story involves the brilliant engineer using that particular skillset to find the solution to this big problem, but if you want you could add a bit about the actions she has to take, if they are a unique or interesting hook to the story.
You can see I removed the “face her darkest fears” part, because that’s not really concrete. What are her darkest fears? Why not just state them in the logline if they’re important to the story? I also removed the “redeem her humanity” part, kind of for the same reason — it’s not that concrete, which is what you want to focus the logline on — IF you’re writing a true logline. If you’re trying to write something more like a back-of-book blurb/synopsis of your story, then yes, sure, include the other stuff.
Okay – I hope that helps!
After waking up, deceased with no memory, in the local morgue, a high-flying college graduate must remember his life and death and come to terms with it before his funeral to have a chance of a do-over.
Hey Mike! This is a great idea and I think you’re conveying it well in the logline. I know who your main character is (high-flying college grad), I know what his problem is (wakes up, deceased / no memory), and what he must do to solve it (remember his life and death before his funeral).
So, a couple of thoughts that might help you tighten up and/or clarify even more:
– I wonder if “college grad” is the best way to describe the character. Is there a more specific way to describe him, which would convey something useful about the character right away? Is he a recent college grad? Does that have something specific to do with the concept? Meaning, is that phase of life that he’s in — does that contribute to the plot, or make this story more meaningful in some way?
– What does it mean that he has to “remember his life and death and come to terms with it”? Does he have to find out who he was by following certain clues? Getting the help of a memory specialist? Does he have to sit and think until his memories come back? And the “come to terms with it” — does that mean he has to forgive someone? Forgive himself? Make something right? In trying to imagine what we’re actually watching on screen, getting a little more specific with this part of the description would help too.
Hope that’s useful to you! As I said before — it’s a great idea! I look forward to seeing your progress with it.
After the outbreak of a catastrophic virus, in a theme park full of aliens ; A alienphohic scientist must team up with an alien and journey through the vast park to learn it’s secrets : while being pursued by a militant government agent.
An uptight, obsessive-compulsive real estate developer gunning for a promotion at her company faces foreign challenges when she is sent to southern Croatia to build a resort.
Hey Liz! From your logline, I get an immediate sense of your main character and of the fish-out-of-water element, so great job there.
Main character: uptight real estate developer
Goal: promotion
Action: build a resort in southern Croatia
Opposition/Conflict: cultural differences (?)
I think I see the movie — sort of a Whiskey Tango Foxtrot with real estate and Croatia instead of war and Afghanistan? As noted above, I *think* the conflict is implied in the fish-out-of-water element, but if the protag goes up against more direct opposition it would be worth trying to include that in the logline too.
Even without more direct opposition, I think it could be worth expanding on what she’s up against while in Croatia — meaning, characterize the primary source of conflict so we have an idea of what arena we’re playing in (gender issues, ignorant American issues, something else entirely?)
(Also, if I’ve guessed the movie all wrong, then let me know what it’s really about and I’ll try to suggest a revised logline to reflect the events in your story.)
Hope that helps!
Thanks for the feedback, Naomi! Yes, you are correct in what the movie is about, although I haven’t seen Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (I will add it to my list!). I’ll tweak the logline with more detail as you advised. Thanks again for taking the time!
Liz
After the outbreak of a catastrophic virus, in a theme park full of aliens ; A alienphohic scientist must team up with an alien and journey through the vast park to learn it’s secrets : while being pursued by a militant government agent.
Hi Wally! This sounds like an exciting story! I think you have the right details here, but you might be able to clarify just a bit so that all the appeal of the story is coming through.
Protagonist: alienphobic scientist
Antagonist: militant government agent (who is pursuing him)
Goal: what I see in the logline is “journey through the vast park to learn it’s secrets” but I’m not totally sure what that means as far as an end point. What does success look like on screen? When the scientist reaches the other side of the park? When the scientist knows a secret? Etc.
I suspect the real goal is to stop the spread of the catastrophic virus, so if that’s true then maybe the logline could be something like:
When a catastrophic virus breaks out in a theme park full of aliens, an alienphobic scientist must team up with an alien guide to journey through the vast park to the source of the outbreak — the scientist’s only chance of stopping the virus and saving them all — all while being pursued by a militant government agent on a suicide mission to destroy the alien race.
You’ll want to change out the details that are accurate to your story, of course, but hopefully that shows how you can get more specific with the goal and also indicate what’s at stake and the nature of the antagonistic force.
You might also clarify just a few of those colorful details just to make sure what you have in mind is coming through clearly. For instance, when the logline says “in a theme park full of aliens,” I’m not sure if the theme park is *alien themed*, or if it’s a theme park that *aliens visit*.
Hope that helps!
Three particle physicist are transported back in time after a catastrophic particle accelerator incident at CERN in Switzerland . The transported physicists fight to return to the present day after discovering the incident was not accident and that there were sinister motives behind it.
Hi John,
Great concept here! What I’m getting from the logline is mostly your compelling setup, and where you could expand a bit is in filling us in on the appeal of the main thrust of the movie, i.e. Act 2.
So, for example, where do they land — both time and place? It seems like a big part of the movie action will take place there, so giving us a sense of what that looks like would help. And I see that the transported physicists must “fight to return to the present day”, but what does that mean? The time/place will help fill that in somewhat, but if you can help us see what kinds of things they’re going to have to do, and perhaps what arenas they’ll be moving around in, we’ll get a real sense of the movie we’ll be watching.
Hope that helps!
Naomi
Thanks Naomi..! Taking your advice…here is version 2…
Three physicists are each hurled back in time to separate decades, the 70’s 80’s and 90’s, after a catastrophic accident at the CERN particle accelerator in Switzerland. To help them get back to the present they must alter their identity’s and recruit the younger version of themselves to open a time portal but not before exposing a sinister plot behind their original experiment.
Hey John! I think the new version is great! If I could make one tweak, I think I might just switch around part of the setup so it’s easier to read. Something like:
“After a catastrophic accident at the CERN particle accelerator in Switzerland, three physicists are hurled back in time, each to separate decades — the 70’s 80’s and 90’s. To help them get back to the present they must alter their identities and recruit the younger version of themselves to open a time portal, but not before exposing a sinister plot behind their original experiment.”
Nice work!!
Perfecto! Thanks Naomi much appreciated!
John
Desperate to write a good story, writer suddenly gets inspired by his new neighbor. Risking to loose his roof he rescues his new muse from eviction.
Hi Helen,
Thanks so much for submitting your logline! I can see some of the essential elements you’re including, and there are a couple of others that may need a little clarification to help the concept come through clearly. What I can tell so far:
Protagonist: Writer
Goal: Stop his neighbor’s eviction (so he can keep the inspiration that will help him write a good story)
Opposition: His muse is being evicted
Stakes: Writer’s ability to write a good story
It might be helpful to get more specific with the opposition, since there are a number of reasons someone could be evicted and the specific reason you choose for this story may have some bearing on the kinds of things we see on screen.
The other thing I’d point out, is that right now the stakes feel pretty low. Stakes like this can certainly work (we’ve seen it in other movies) but what will really help will be showing us what it *means* to the protagonist to possibly lose his ability to write. If there’s some greater emotional loss that will occur, that will give the story a feeling of bigger stakes and more urgency. If you can make it feel like a life-or-death situation (even a metaphorical one), we’ll be much more engaged and invested in the outcome.
Hope that helps!
When a feminist serial killer falls in love for the first time he will have to choose whether to fight his demons or loose everything he has ever wanted
Hi Solren!
I’m so curious what you mean by “feminist serial killer”! Is that a serial killer who exclusively kills misogynists? Or a serial killer who believes women can and should kill just as well as men? It’s an intriguing story area.
So, from your logline I can tell who your main character is (the feminist serial killer). And I think you’ve set up an interesting dilemma for that character, but I’m not quite sure what we’ll be watching onscreen for the duration of the movie.
Is it a romance, i.e. we’ll watch him court his new love interest, struggling with his own personal demons along the way? Or is it more of a psychological thriller, where we’re watching a serial killer attempt to go about his killing, which conflicts with his newly discovered humanity (through falling in love)? If you can get more specific about what the story goal is, that will help a lot. And then giving us a sense of where the story events go after that set up will help us see the movie in our minds.
Hope that helps!
Thanks for this wonderful article, Naomi. I’d always wondered about whether to include Act II or not.
Here’s my attempt at a logline for a story entitled” Framed”: While struggling to prove her own innocence in a murder case, a reluctant psychic stumbles upon a clue to the greatest art heist of all time.
I’m not sure whether to specify that the art heist and the murder are related or whether it stands to reason that they will be.
Also, should I be explaining why the protagonist has always been reluctant to use her powers?
And does “greatest art heist” seem too over-the-top? Should I say instead that it’s a decades-old art heist that’s long stumped experts?
Thanks!
Hi Nupur! I’m so glad you found the article helpful!
I think it’s fine to use “greatest art heist” – if that feels accurate to your story and the tone of the script. It does feel big and a little over-the-top, but if that’s the feel of the script, then that’s great!
It’s probably not necessary to explain why the protag is reluctant to use her powers — we can assume it will be explained in the script, and right now you just need that phrase to help flesh out the main character a bit. That seems like enough description of her for now.
As for whether to specify the connection between the art heist and the murder, I think it depends. Yes, we probably assume they are related in some way. Is the exact nature of how they’re related a big part of the story? Meaning, is it the hook of the concept, or the main focus of the story? Does it affect the kinds of things the protag is doing in pursuit of her goal? Then it may be useful to include that in the logline, especially if you can do so in a nice, succinct, and catchy way.
One small tweak to consider: in the current version of the logline, you have all the essential elements, but I’m not sure where the focus of the story is. Is the movie mainly about the psychic trying to prove her innocence? Or is it about what happens after she discovers the clue / connection to the art heist? I think clarifying that — the main thrust of the story — will help us visualize the movie you’re pitching.
Hope that helps!
That’s such an insightful critique, Naomi! Yes, I’ll have to figure out what the thrust of the story is going to be. This is a prequel to the main story series: A psychic and a retired FBI agent team up to crack a decades-long art heist that’s long stumped experts. In each individual story they find one of the artifacts stolen, which leads them closer to the person who orchestrated the entire heist.
However what leads up to the psychic and the retired Fed teaming up is the murder of the psychic’s boss, a bookstore owner, which is linked to the art heist in question. Being accused of his murder is the impetus she needs to develop her psychic powers. Of course, that could simply be a wrinkle in her efforts to find his killer.
Or, the art heist clue could be something she uses to prove her own innocence, which brings her up against the folks behind the heist.
As I struggle with this, I’m also struggling with genre. In my mind, as an avid mystery fan, this is a whodunit and some thing of a Dude with problem plot type–if the focus is on the protag. proving her innocence. If the focus is on the art heist, it becomes closer to the Golden fleece plot type. I’m having trouble envisioning most mysteries I like in the whydunit category.
I hope you’ll consider a post that elucidates on the genre/plot types as well. Thanks!
Ah, that makes sense! So this is really an origin story of sorts — how this team of the Fed and the psychic comes to be.
That’s a great suggestion for an article – thank you! As far as your story’s genre, I think it’s probably not a Golden Fleece story; it just doesn’t sound like it has those elements to me. So if you take that one off the table:
– If the shape of the story is really about the psychic trying to prove her innocence, it’s probably a Dude With a Problem story.
– If the story revolves around the psychic and the Fed solving the murder, then it’s more likely a Whydunit (or even a Buddy Love / Whydunit mashup).
And it could definitely have elements of more than one genre!
Thank you so much! That really is very helpful. So something like Sherlock Holmes would fall in the Buddy Love/Whydunit category while The Orient Express–I haven’t seen it yet, but if they’ve stayed faithful to the book–should be squarely in the Whydunit category.
My husband and I are re-watching some Dude with a problem type movies like Double Jeopardy. I’ll need to look into some Buddy Love/Whydunit movies since I think that’s where I’d prefer to go.
Btw, what category would the ’97 movie starring Val Kilmer, The Saint, fall into?
A rebellious heiress searching for freedom from the family path is kidnapped by a group of revolutionaries who thrust her into the brutal and convoluted counterculture of the 70’s – while encouraging her to join their fold and fight back against the pursuing authorities and her family. You know her as Patty Hearst.
Hey Scott! This is a great logline and a great pitch!
I know exactly who your main character is, what the conflict is, and what the movie looks like on screen. Nice work! Can’t wait to see this movie :)
Just for practice, this is the longline I came up with for Double Jeopardy: A woman framed for her husband’s murder discovers he’s very much alive and decides to track him down and kill him since she can’t be tried for his murder again.
Sorry, meant logline. My phone changed it to longline!!!
Hi Nupur,
Great job! You’ve captured the main character is (a woman who’s been framed), the goal is (track down the husband who faked his own death, and kill him!), and the opposition (the husband who wants to stay hidden and alive). Nice work!
Re: your earlier comment – I haven’t seen The Saint in so long that I don’t remember it well enough to put it into a genre category.
Thanks, Naomi!
After suddenly realizing a guilty defendant is his son who had been stolen as an infant 17 years earlier, a moralistic judge recuses himself and then fights to win over his son’s hardened heart.
Hi Joi! Nice work on this concept – it sounds like a great story with a lot of potential to be emotionally compelling. Right now the logline seems to have the essential:
Main character – moralistic judge
Goal – win over his son’s hardened heart
Opposition – I think we can infer the opposition is the son, who doesn’t want to open up to the judge who is a stranger to him after all this time.
We can probably also infer there’s some conflict in the events of the story — like maybe the son will be going through a trial during this time, or something like that. But that’s the part that seems to be missing from the logline right now. I’d love to see an indication of what happens in Act 2, and/or what method the judge uses to pursue his goal. That would help me see what we’re going to be watching in this movie.
Hope this helps!
Thank you so much Naomi! I really appreciate your guidance. I’ve revised it and it reads much better!
Awesome! So glad you found the comments helpful!
When a poverty-stricken widower, longing for a better life for his children, discovers an amnesic and possibly insane billionaire passed out on the floor of the family home, the widower invents a wild tale and enlists the help of his quirky neighbors to keep the billionaire captive until a reward is offered.
Hi Robbie! Nice concept! Reminds me of movies like The Grand Seduction and Waking Ned Devine.
From your logline I can see the foundation of the story:
Main character: poverty-stricken widower
Goal: get a reward for the billionaire
Opposition: I think we can infer the opposition is the billionaire, who doesn’t want to be held captive and may be insane.
I also have a good idea of what happens after the setup because you’ve described the method the protag uses in order to achieve that goal. Nice work!
Thanks Naomi! Question: Based on the logline, which does this film seem to you: Rite Of Passage, or Buddy Love genre?
Hi Robbie,
Just going by the logline alone, it could be a Buddy Love story if the main throughline is really focused on the relationship between the protag and the billionaire. I don’t think it’s an ROP. It could also be a comedic Monster in the House, tonally in the vein of Cable Guy. Or even a twist on the Golden Fleece. It just depends what the arc of the main throughline is.
Cool, thanks. Yeah, I was totally thinking of Waking Ned when I came up with this… : D
Excellent tips Naomi, very interesting – especially the fact that those little 4 words (decide – choose – realize -discover) can reveal a lack of substance for Act II.
Here’s a pitch I’m working on – I would be delighted to have your thoughts on that. Will check other people loglines too!
“A successful yet desperately lonely gold miner urges his family to join him in California during the Gold Rush and will ultimately lead them to misery. ”
Cheers!
Hey Remi! Glad you found the tips useful.
Your logline has some really compelling elements, and I think there are a few tweaks you might consider —
So, I totally get who the main character is. I love the idea of him being desperately lonely because that makes perfect sense and I can imagine his situation, and I empathize with him.
What I’m not yet as clear on is whether the movie is about the family’s journey to join him in California (sort of like a Meek’s Cutoff situation, perhaps), or if the movie is really about what happens after the family joins him. You hint at impending misery, but if that is what the movie’s main focus is (what happens once the family joins him), then you can get more specific and concrete with the description of what happens (and what you mean by “lead them to misery”).
Hope that helps!
Thank you so much for this feedback Naomi!
The script is about what happens to the family once in California, so yeah, I’m going to find a way to make that clearer and add some concrete elements.
Very helpful indeed, thanks again Naomi!
You’re so welcome, Remi! I look forward to seeing your project develop!
Here’s what I came up with:
What if you could prove the whole world believes a lie?
It’s a compelling question, Tonya, and might almost be more along the lines of a movie tagline than a logline. In the logline, we’d want to know a bit more about what actually happens in the movie. Who the protagonist is, what that character’s story goal is, what he/she is doing to pursue that goal, and what the main force of antagonism is. Those essentials are a great place to start working out your idea!
Thanks for the feedback!
A lonely pool hustler must win his independence by competing against an experienced pool player while winning the love of his new girlfriend.
Hi Dan! I’m just a regular member, but I saw your logline and felt like giving you a feedback.
First, and just based on the logline, I think it sounds a lot like The Hustler from 1961 – are there main differences between that movie and your script idea? If so, it might be interesting to put them in the logline itself.
I’m a little bit confused about your main character especially on the “independence” notion — is that related to his family, over-protective parents, or a money-related issue? Could be great to clarify that in my opinion, because I feel like knowing more about the stakes behind that notion.
Then, I’m wondering if there would be a way to connect his big game with the experienced pool player (who sounds like “the undefeated guy” right?) and the love story. For now, they don’t seem to connect and it sounds like a B story — perhaps there should be a way to connect those two journeys?
Sounds promising Dan,
Cheers!
Hi Remi! Thanks for the feedback! I did clean up my logline and I drafted it several times. My script idea is sort of like The Hustler, except that the main character isn’t arrogant nor selfish. It isn’t as cynical as that movie is. The main character is lacking in self-esteem and his brother, whom he doesn’t like, doesn’t want him to end up in the streets. So, I did clean up a logline and the new one is this one:
A street-wise, yet lonely pool hustler struggles to find the independence and love that he needs from his overprotective brother and his new girlfriend in order to compete against a professional pool player in a high-stakes tournament game.
Hi Dan! Thanks for posting your logline and sorry I’m late on commenting — but perhaps this worked out well since now I can comment on the new version.
So, looking at the essentials:
I know who your main character is – the streetwise yet lonely pool hustler. It sounds like his goal is to win this tournament. As for the antagonist, for the main goal the antagonist appears to be the pro player (that’s who’s standing in the way of the protag achieving his goal).
But I’m not sure yet how that goal is also hindered by the main character’s other relationships. Is the idea that not having independence and love stands in his way of winning? Or are these relationships more like subplots that are intended to compliment the A-story and force the character arc? I think that can work – it does sound like an emotional, character-driven story that’s very much about the character’s internal growth.
Hope that helps!
Hey Remi! I got your comment! It is not having the independence and love that does stands in his way of winning the tournament. Today, I thought about the main character’s brother and at first, I did make him out to be a person who’s not so much of an antagonist, but he wants to see his brother succeed and to eventually grow up to be his own person and eventually have the courage to tell his girlfriend that he really loves her and wants to be with her.
Whoops! I mean, Naomi. Sorry!
Great notes, Remi! :)
Hi Noami — it’s me again! I really enjoyed getting a constructive feedback from you a couple of days ago, so I thought about trying here another logline I’m working on.
The project’s called ‘The Harvest’ :
“1889. With the rest of his crew, a self-effacing and naive lumberjack is enrolled by the leader of a morbid cult where he’ll be forced to conduct obscure rituals leading his beloved ones to death.”
Thanks!
Hi Remi! I love the tone of this one — it sounds really dark, and right up my alley.
This is a very nitpicky note, but I’d maybe cut the description “self-effacing” from the logline, only because it feels like it doesn’t quite go with the tone of everything else. “Naive lumberjack” is probably enough to convey who that character is, anyway.
As for the logline itself, I think the concept is coming through pretty clearly. However, I would like a sense of who is active in this story. Meaning, is the lumberjack fighting back against the cult? Trying to escape? Or are we watching him perform these rituals totally at their mercy? And if he’s at their mercy, are we instead watching the family deal with the curse or whatever is coming after them and killing them? And if that’s the case, are the loved ones maybe the actual protagonists?
I think you understand what I’m getting at — just making it clear who is trying to solve the big problem in the movie. Hope that makes sense – let me know if you have any questions!
In order to earn her second chance at life, a survivor’s-guilt-ridden nurse strives to relieve her feelings of unworthiness by helping at a law-enforcement rehab facility by breaking the law
Hi Paula! Really cool idea here and just a couple of notes for you:
“survivor’s-guilt-ridden” is a complicated description that takes a few seconds to understand. I’d try to simplify it to “a nurse suffering from survivor’s guilt” or something like that.
As for the logline itself, I see who the main character is (the nurse), and I understand much of what she’s doing in the movie (helping at a law-enforcement rehab). What I’m less clear on is what is meant by “by breaking the law”. What law is she breaking, what does that tell us in terms of actions or opposition, etc. Getting clear on that part will help explain what’s happening in the movie, I think.
The other part that I’m not clear on is what the opposition is. What’s stopping her from helping at the law-enforcement rehab? It very well may have something to do with the breaking-the-law part, but it would help to spell that out for us.
And finally, while “earn her second chance at life” does tell us something about the character, it would be great if that endpoint could be be indicated in a more concrete way. What does a second chance at life look like for this character?
Hope that helps!
An almost 30 actress on the verge of a nervous breakdown is recruited by her estranged childhood friends to play a role in the suburban reveal of her friend’s new identity.
Hey Christie! I get a good sense of who your main character is and what her current stage of life is, so that’s great. But what I’m less clear on is what her story goal is. Is it to help her friend reveal a new identity? If so, we might need more detail to understand how that will take up an entire movie (right now it sounds like something that could be done in one scene, maybe two). Also, if her goal is something akin to ‘help her friend’ then it might be worth considering whether the actress is actually the true main character. It sounds like the friend might have a stronger goal and more to lose if she doesn’t achieve it.
Once you’re clear on the story goal (what the character is trying to accomplish by the end of the movie), also let us know what the main force of opposition is — what’s the primary thing making it difficult to achieve this goal.
Hope that helps!
During a seaside retreat, a former Navy intelligence officer, struggling with grief, “feverishly” investigates her suspicious young host whose apparent multiple identities may be hiding fatal tragedies.
“feverishly” is in quotes because I’m insecure as to whether it fits. Thanks in advance for your help.
Hi Richard!
Your logline sounds really solid! I know who your main character is — grieving former Navy intelligence officer — and I know what her goal is — reveal the truth about her host — and I know what the opposition is — the host, who presumably doesn’t want to be exposed, as well as the apparent multiple identities, which I’m guessing may or may not be true. Great! That’s an awesome premise.
I think the stakes are also implied — I can assume it’s a dangerous situation that will put your heroine’s life at risk. I do wonder if she has some personal connection to the possible killer — is her grief related to his past crimes, perhaps? That may help add another element of stakes and urgency to the concept. But overall I think it sounds really good.
The “feverish” is really your call — does it feel accurate to the story? It indicates to me that either she’s frantic in her investigation for some reason (which might be worth trying to explain, if there’s some kind of ticking clock in play), or that she’s losing her own mind during the investigation, which is interesting too. Since there are a couple of interpretations, you probably could clarify that a bit just to make sure what you have in mind (and in the story) is being conveyed accurately in the logline.
Hope that helps!
Wow. Such great help. Thank you. Someone else pointed out to me that the genders weren’t clear and to try adding names as both characters are female, though unrelated to each other.
You’ve also clarified changing the word to obsessively as its less time sensitive, and more loaded with mental health issues.
During a seaside retreat, Rita, a former Navy intelligence officer, struggling with grief, obsessively investigates her suspicious young host, Elisabeth, whose apparent multiple identities may be hiding fatal tragedies.
Thanks again.
You’re welcome – glad it was helpful!
Using the names does help clarify/specify both characters are female, but I don’t know you need to in the logline unless the fact that both are female is important to the story. If you’re using this logline to pitch your project, I think I might also add something to directly indicate the stakes too. Maybe something like, “During a seaside retreat, a former Navy intelligence officer who is herself struggling with grief, becomes obsessed with investigating her young host, whose apparent multiple identities may be hiding fatal tragedies — and seem intent on destroying anyone who gets too close.”
It doesn’t have to be that — use whatever is accurate to your story — but you get what I’m saying. Something to let us know the danger or urgency involved.
Great story, though! Look forward to hearing your progress on it!
Thanks again. Your help is invaluable.
Project Title is: The Sunshine Girls
I’ve got a bare bones log line:
Set in 1973: Four misfit teenage girls, must find a strategy to save their town from a government mind control experiment.
and an attempt at a more detailed one:
Set in 1973: With help from their mood rings, four misfit teenagers: Vic, Jo, Beverly, and Terri find themselves temporarily immune from a C.I.A. mind control weapon that has threatened their town. It is a fight against the government as the loss of family, friends, and themselves closes in.
Hi Jane! I think you’re on the right track here and maybe a combination of the two would convey the details we need. Maybe something like:
“In 1973, four misfit teenage girls discover they are the only ones in their town who are immune from a CIA mind control experiment, and must take on the government to save their families, friends — and soon themselves, when their unique abilities become exposed.”
Feel free to tweak that to best reflect what happens in your story. And I’d love to know something about *how* they take on the government, since that would let us know what we’re watching on screen.
Hope that helps!
It does help, thank you!
“A young girl with an abusive father escapes to Neverland where she must attempt to stay hidden despite being hunted by Captain Hook.”
My goal is to make this an origin story for Tinker Bell, as she is the young girl, but I’m unsure of how to include that without disrupting the flow of the sentence. Thanks in advance!
Hey Kat! Nice – I like this concept and I think your logline is pretty solid already. I know who the main character is (young girl with an abusive father), I know what her goal is (hide from Captain Hook), and I know what the opposition is (Captain Hook, who is hunting her).
Now, I think if you can add something about why Capt. Hook wants to capture her, that might also be a way to bring in the Tinker Bell information — which is great, and I think you should try to get that in there. An origin story for Tinker Bell is a good hook so that’s valuable information to include. It will be a longer sentence, but I think if you can get those extra few details in there we’ll get a better sense of the cool aspects of the story as well as some stakes/urgency.
Hope that helps!
Thank you so much!
Hi Naomi, great article and fantastic help with the loglines. That’s very nice of you.
Here’s mine for Wylde Hare:
Cursed by a rabbit-bite as a young man, an aging motocross legend must provide for his large brood of kids and learn the true meaning of being a father by a return to racing against riders half his age, including the young hothead champion that’s engaged to and stealing his daughter from him.
Hey James! Very inventive story — that’s great. In your logline I can see who the main character is (aging motocross legend), what he’s going to do in the story (return to racing) as well as why he must do it. And I know who the opposition is (riders half his age, including his daughter’s fiance). So all of that is great. I wonder if there’s a specific race or event or something that might give the story a framework? Right now, returning to racing to provide for his family is good, but if there’s something specific that we’ll see in the movie that you can use in the logline to convey the framing of the story, that can help sort of solidify the movie in our minds. I think it’s great as-is, though!
Hi Naomi,
Such a great article and your help is very much appreciated. Here’s my logline:
After a proud psychologist discovers he has schizophrenia, he severs himself from his family until he can get better; but when he decides to cure himself on his own, he must learn that some obstacles can’t be solved by will-power alone, before he loses his sanity and family forever.
Thanks, Gabriel!
Really interesting concept and subject matter here! I can tell who your main character is (proud psychologist) and I can tell what his goal is (cure himself of schizophrenia). I can also infer that the opposition is the schizophrenia itself, which I’m guessing is not an easy thing to cure. I can see what’s at stake (both his sanity and his family — great stakes!) The one thing that isn’t quite clear to me is what he’s actually doing to try to cure himself, which seems like it will be the bulk of the movie (your Act 2) and probably what’s unique and interesting about your movie. If you can give us an idea of what that method, strategy, or activity is, that’s going to show us what we’re watching in this movie. Hope that helps!
I’ll definitely try to incorporate the Act 2 portion. Thanks so much for the feedback!
In a near-future world on the brink of war, a priest with wavering faith clashes with his former lover over whether the haunted young man asking him to kill a public figure is actually a fallen angel.
Hey Bill! Really cool idea here. I think in this version of your logline, some of the concept is coming through but (the way it’s described here) it seems like the main action of the movie is two people clashing over whether something is true or not. That sounds a bit like an argument or a debate… which can work in some movies, but I’m not sure it accurately describes what you have in mind for this one. From the rest of the logline it seems like you have more action and excitement and tension in mind for this idea.
So, from the logline I can tell who your main character is (the priest). And the world of the story (brink of war) adds great tension to the mix. I’m not totally sure what the priest’s story goal is… is it “to decide” whether or not to kill the public figure? (You can see from the blog post that “to decide” can be problematic.) Is it to prove his ex-lover wrong about the young man? That idea is interesting (that he’s not sure if the young man is a fallen angel), but may need to be fleshed out in the logline to convey the movie.
I think you’re off to a great start, and what’s not quite clear from this version of the logline is what the protagonist’s goal and/or main action in this movie is going to be (and that’s what we’re going to be watching on screen in Act 2). Once you fill that in, I think you’ll have a really compelling logline.
Hope that helps!
Thanks for the insightful feedback, Naomi. I seem to suffer from some unnamed syndrome where every time I invent story scenarios from scratch, I invariably try to shape my protagonists in the vein of Rick Blaine, where coming to terms with moral responsibility is the central conflict…Even though I know these are some of the toughest narratives to craft and can very easily become navel-gazing. I need to try writing a revenge thriller or a chase story to get over my Casablancitis.
Hello Naomi, thanks for the helpful article. I hope you are alright giving my logline a look. This is my first time attempting a script, so I am hoping for some feedback on how to strengthen it. I think I’ve got all the elements, but I’m not sure how clear they come across to the reader.
“an impetuous wildlife rehabilitator unwittingly takes on a case to prove the innocence of an intergalactically reviled traitor when she fills in at her sister’s detective agency, and she must solve the case before the resulting target on her back does her in”
Hi Nikki! So glad you found it useful. I think you’ve done a good job here with your logline. I know who your main character is — “an impetuous wildlife rehabilitator.” I know the story goal — “prove the innocence of an intergalactically reviled traitor.” And I can infer there’s opposition to that goal because the action results in your protag becoming a target too.
One small thing to consider — I’m not sure we need to know the protag is a wildlife rehabilitator in the logline — it doesn’t seem that relevant to the concept, from what I can see here. So there might be a better way to describe the protag for the logline (one that feels directly tied to the concept of the movie), or alternatively you might find a way to tie that existing description in so we understand why it’s important for us to know that she works with wildlife.
Hope that helps!
Naomi, Thanks for the feedback—definitely helps!!
Hello Naomi,
I also wrote a logline. What do you think about it?
Logline:
The ambitious entrepreneur Paker is in a tough business period as he has to host the teenage girl Nancy, her younger brother Ben, who lives in his own world, and the 6 months old baby Tim at home. Does Biz and Kidz match?…
Hi Timo!
It sounds like you have some familiar elements here so that’s a good start, and as you develop the logline I’d suggest thinking about a couple of things:
1 – What’s different and unique about this concept? What’s the hook? It sounds a bit like Raising Helen meets The Pacifier or Three Men and a Baby or something similar – and those movies were great but since they’ve already been done, it’s worth considering how you can separate yourself from the pack. And that may just be in the details that aren’t yet included in the logline.
2 – As far as the logline itself goes, I can tell who your main character is, and I understand what the problem is — ambitious entrepreneur must take care of three kids. So that’s a solid setup, but what the logline doesn’t yet convey is what happens in the rest of the movie. What’s the adventure of Act 2? What does the protagonist do to solve his problem? Including this in the logline will help us see what kind of movie we’re going to be watching, and may also help address the point I raised in #1, above.
Hope that helps!
Thanks a lot Naomi.
Do you think this one is better:
The ambitious entrepreneur Paker has to host the teenage girl Nancy, her younger brother Ben, who lives in his own world, and the 6 months old baby Tim at home, BUT things get tougher when the kids have to stay longer and Paker gets a new big business deal. Does Biz and Kidz match?…
Hi Timo,
Generally you don’t need to include character names in the logline. Every once in a while it’s useful for clarity, but most of the time character names actually clutter up the logline.
For the concept itself, the new big business deal does help let me know something about the conflict to come. But I think you can get more specific. What kind of business is he in? Will including that in the logline tell us something about where / how the story takes place? That might be helpful. How do the kids get in the way of that business deal? Is it just about the time constraints? Or is there more to it? Think about what details you can add to try to convey a sense of the movie itself — what we’ll be sitting in the theater watching.
Hope that helps!
Hi! I just wrote a log line for a romantic comedy I am working on. I based this log line off of the template in BS’ “Save the Cat Strikes Back” book.
On the verge of losing a big promotion, an arrogant, work obsessed New York publisher learns that a famous writer’s lost book is in the possession of an earthy, uneducated woman in a small, middle of nowhere town in Missouri and travels there under the guise of an actor doing research for a role to try and get the book from her and publish it; but when the relationship becomes romantic, he must learn that human connection trumps work, before he violates her trust, to stop his cold-hearted boss from ruining his one shot at true love.
Thanks so much! I am open to all feedback.
Nick
Hey Nick!
I think this logline nicely conveys your movie. I know who your main character is – arrogant, work-obsessed NY publisher. I know what his problem is – about to lose a big promotion. And I know how he’s attempting to solve it – obtain the lost book. I also know what’s standing in his way – earthy, uneducated woman; false identity ruse; budding romance. so all of that is great! It may be a challenge, but if there’s any way to convey why that woman is the antagonist, that would be helpful. Right now I’m not quite sure why she would want to stop him, or why it matters that she’s uneducated — so what I’m looking for is a slightly clearer understanding of that conflict. But overall, really nice job!
Thank you for your comments. Your point about the antagonist is spot on. I never thought of the Missouri woman as the formal “antagonist”, but she absolutely is. I included her motivation here below.
The fact that she is uneducated is important for the story, because it’s a big part of why the two characters are from completely different worlds. But I understand if its not important for the sake of the log line.
On the verge of losing a big promotion, an arrogant, work obsessed New York publisher learns that a famous writer’s lost book may is in the possession of an earthy, alpha woman in a small, middle of nowhere town in Missouri and travels there under the guise of an actor doing research for a role to try and get the book from her; but when the relationship becomes romantic, and the book proves to contain hidden family secrets, he must learn that human connection trumps prestige and profits, before he violates her trust, and lets his cold-hearted boss ruin his one shot at true love.
My question now: does this still sound like a rom-com? Should I think of this more as a rom-dram?
Thanks for the advice!
Nick
Hey Nick!
You’re right — it does sound a bit more dramatic, or maybe just tonally not quite as light and fluffy as we might assume a romcom should be. I definitely think you can still inject humor into it if that’s what you’re aiming for. Tone isn’t always easy to convey in a logline.
Great insights! Here’s one of my storie:
When a seemingly carefree playboy sets course to win the affections of a virginal Christian matchmaker, he collides against a righteous blockade that buckles only when she uncovers the personal trauma that cracked his moral compass. Romcom/Drama.
Thanks, Naomi.
John
Great insights! Here’s one of my stories:
When a seemingly carefree playboy sets course to win the affections of a virginal Christian matchmaker, he collides against a righteous blockade that buckles only when she uncovers the personal trauma that cracked his moral compass. Romcom/Drama.
Thanks, Naomi.
John
Reply
Hi John!
I think you have everything you need in this logline. I know who your main character is — seemingly carefree playboy. I know what his story goal is — to win the affections of a virginal Christian matchmaker. I get the instant conflict there (and the righteous blockade is a funny way of describing it). And I’m curious how this will turn out because I see that she softens when she learns of his past trauma, and I already begin to worry about the outcome and whether one or both of them are going to be hurt — all from the logline! Nice work.
A demon-hunter and a 12 year old psychic must prevent the Queen of the Damn from getting an ancient relic with the power to destroy mankind?
Hey Elija! Sounds like a cool world and a potentially action-packed story, so that’s great. You have most of the essential elements here:
Main character(s): demon hunter and 12-yo psychic
Goal: prevent Queen of the Damned from getting ancient relic
Opposition: Queen of the Damned and her minions, I’m assuming
Stakes: mankind will be destroyed
There’s one more thing you could include that would help us see the movie in this concept, and that’s some indication of what the heroes are doing in pursuit of their goal. HOW do they have to try to stop the relic from getting in the Queen’s hands? What kinds of actions does that require of them? What environments and types of things/characters will they encounter? You don’t have to include answers to all of these questions in the logline, of course. But if you can give us some pertinent detail that can really help us understand what we’ll be watching on screen.
Hope that helps!
A shattered detective saves his murdered fiancé in a deal with the devil, but finds a return to life carries more debts than one soul can repay.
After writing my logline, I am wondering if the first one would be received better by the actual audience (as it conveys more mystery) vs agents, producers and directors who want something more like:
A shattered detective saves his murdered fiancé in a deal with the devil, but after waking in the past must still prevent her eminent fate as he questions his own sanity and perception of death.
In advance of deep humble bows … Thx!
Dano: Love the idea. Just noticed it should read “imminent” instead of “eminent.” Good luck with this one.
Hey Dano! Yes – I think you nailed it — your first logline is almost more of a tagline, since it’s enticing but doesn’t describe the story as fully as you might in a logline to use for development or to submit to someone like a manager or producer.
And I really like your expanded logline. I think it has the essentials plus a strong indication of conflict both internal and external. Nice job!
A seemingly self-assured woman battles a crisis of faith, and sanity, during the Christmas season when unprecedented supernatural premonitions and empathic feelings disrupt her life, leading her to join forces with earth-bound protectors to save the souls and lives of her dysfunctional family from evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world.
**I feel like I’m missing something. But, not quite sure what. Looking forward to your feedback. Thanks!!**
Hey Yolanda! Thanks so much for posting your logline!
So, to me the logline is a little confusing right now — there’s a lot going on in it, and the story isn’t coming through that clearly. I always start with the essentials and then try to build up from there:
Protag – seemingly self-assured woman
Goal – save the souls and lives of her dysfunctional family
Opposition – evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world
When we parse it out like this, I think it’s easier to see that the goal and opposition are somewhat vague descriptions. They don’t give us a really solid sense of what’s happening in the movie.
What does it mean to “save the souls and lives” of her family? What does that look like in concrete ways? How do we see it on screen? And what are the physical actions that have to be taken to achieve this goal? (The “method” I mention in the blog post.)
And with the opposition, who are these evil rulers? What do they rule? What is the “unseen world”? If this is something you’re inventing (meaning, it’s unfamiliar to us) then you might need to explain it a bit more so we can grasp the concept.
Hope that helps and gives you a starting point to begin to tweak your logline!
Best,
Naomi
Thank you! Ok. I’ll take your advice into account and work on it. I appreciate you!
After returning to her family home for the first time in decades, a grief-stricken woman struggles to quell longstanding family animosity and build a bridge to healing.
Or, is this any better?
Ostracized by her family, a woman returns home for Christmas for the first time in decades hoping to bring an end to long-standing family enmity and receives a little help from heavenly angels.
Wait, I forgot the stakes. Sorry…I don’t mean to be annoying/pestering.
Ostracized by her family, a woman struggling with a sense of belonging and identity receives a little help from heavenly angels when she returns to her childhood home for the first time in decades at Christmas hoping to bring an end to long-standing family enmity.
Hey Yolanda! Your logline conveys an interesting and emotional tone, so nice work there. I know who your main character is with a woman struggling with a sense of belonging/identity, however I’m not totally sure what that means in concrete terms. As a reader, I’m willing to go with it if the rest of the logline is clear and compelling, but just something to keep in mind. If you can give us a more solid sense of what you’re trying to convey, that’s usually better. “Grief-stricken” (as you had in the first version) is actually much more clear.
As far as story goal, I know that she returns to her childhood home to “bring an end to long-standing family enmity” which is good. But as far as her method to achieve it, again, I’m not sure what that means in concrete terms. What will I be watching onscreen? Is she staging an intervention? Is she going to hold her family hostage until they kiss and makeup? Is she going to kill the worst offender? Is she going to brainwash them all into forgiving each other? You mention getting help from heavenly angels — does that mean she can see them? She can enlist their help? Does she know they’re there? Let’s get a clearer sense of what’s happening in act 2 of the movie, since that’s the real meat of it — that’s what the movie is.
Hope that helps!
Naomi
Logline-
“A sensitive boy from the farm with a skill for map-making takes to the skies with a motley airship crew to discover a lost continent, but the big wide world holds ancient machines and imperial conquerors who would hide the land of the Ancestors or seize its riches for power.”
——
I’ve got a lot of ideas about the fantastical steampunk world this takes place on, a water-world with floating islands instead of proper land. Am I correct in thinking that is excessive information to put into the logline, compared to the Protagonist /Doing what / Antagonist information? ie, an “In a world of floating islands and endless seas” mixed in there would start stretching the one sentence too long?
Similarly, as my idea is for a cartoon TV series that involves animal-people (the main character I have drawn up is a literal cow-boy), is that relevant to a logline? Would a logline for The Lord of the Rings, or Guardians of the Galaxy for example, need any detail in a logline to describe the kind of fantasy/sci fi world or aliens/fictional races it was in?
Hey Ryan! Thanks so much for your comment!
With your logline, I get a real sense of the inventiveness of the story and I know who your main character is (boy from the farm). It looks like his story goal is to find the lost continent and the forces of antagonism are ancient machines and imperial conquerors who are working against him. So that’s great!
And yes – generally you don’t want to pack your logline with too much detail because that can overwhelm the story you’re trying to convey. However, if you were pitching this project and wanted to add in something about the steampunk style of the world in order to really nail the tone, I think that would be fine. And I really like the addition of “In a world of floating islands and endless seas” because it helps set the fantastical world. So again, for your internal development you probably don’t need it but if you’re pitching this I think enhancing and establishing the world and tone would be smart (since that’s part of the appeal of the project overall).
Same with your cow-boy, actually, if you can fit it in elegantly. If adding that detail makes the logline unwieldy, you might think about the structure of your pitch and where else you can put that information. You might have a logline that just includes the world (“In a world of floating islands and endless seas”) and the basics, then in the next paragraph explain the steampunk style and the unique aspects of the characters.
Hope that helps!
While trying to save a young, trafficked girl, an addiction-ridden minor league baseball player battles an illicit underworld and begins to discover his true identity.
Hi Matt,
Nice work on this logline! I can see who your main character is (addiction-ridden minor league baseball player) and what his goal is (to save a young, trafficked girl). I think the “battles an illicit underworld” part is interesting but still a little bit vague. If you can get more specific with what the protag has to do in order to achieve his goal, we’ll have a better understanding of what’s happening in the movie. Does “battles an illicit underworld” mean he becomes a vigilante? Or that he literally goes to the underworld — as in, he goes to hell to get the girl back. Or something else entirely? When there are so many different possibilities in play, it means the logline can still get more specific. That may also help you get clearer about who/what the forces of antagonism are.
Hope that helps!
Naomi
A Spanish monk with a violent past gives up his last hope for redemption when he discovers that he is caught up in the cardinal’s plot to murder the royal family and tries to thwart it.
Thanks!
Shane
Hi Shane,
I think this is really solid! I know who your main character is, and what his goal is. I can infer the method he’ll go about it might draw on his violent past, so that’s great. And I know what the main opposition is, as well as what’s at stake! Sounds like an interesting story. Nice work!
Naomi
Wow, thank you for your feedback, Naomi. I really appreciate it.
I have worked out my beats a la STC and am working through Truby’s Anatomy of Story. The discipline to clarify my vision is really demanding. Sometimes I can’t make myself sit down and work that hard, but sometimes I can. And that’s when I make discoveries–about me!–and breakthroughs in my story.
Thanks again!
Shane
You’re welcome, Shane! That hard work pays off — keep at it!
An alcoholic therapist takes a reluctant group of clients on a spiritual retreat where they encounter a raving demon hellbent on forging a brutal, painful and difficult path to enlightenment.
Hi DJ,
Thanks for posting your logline! It sounds like an intriguing idea. I can see who your main character is (alcoholic therapist). The story goal is probably something along the lines of “to survive the retreat”, but it might vary depending on how you’re structuring the story. And I can see who the antagonist is, but I think there’s something about the antag that either could be described differently or you might be worth considering further. Right now it appears that the antag’s goal or motivation behind his actions is to get the group of people to an enlightened state. (“they encounter a raving demon hellbent on forging a brutal, painful and difficult path to enlightenment”) But if that’s the antag’s motivation, and that’s actually a good thing… why would we be rooting for the antag to fail (and the protag to succeed)? This might just need a little clarification to let us know precisely what the goals are for both protag and antag, and that there’s something at stake (which may come naturally out of clarifying those goals). Perhaps the stakes are that the side effect of the antag pushing them to enlightenment is that they’ll all die, or — depending on the genre and tone of your script — maybe it’s more like if the antag succeeds, the protag will be out of a job and he can’t have that, he’ll lose his house or his family or whatever. Neither of those are probably right for your story, but I think you see what I’m getting at. We need to understand how the protag and antag are at odds and why we should get behind the protag to succeed. Hope that helps!
I am truly grateful for your generous feedback. I made some changes:
An alcoholic therapist takes a reluctant group of clients on a retreat, isolating them from their various addictions, only to encounter a raving demon hellbent on devouring egos.
Great! In this version I can see how the concept works:
Main character – alcoholic therapist
Goal – treat clients’ addictions via isolating retreat
Opposition – raving demon who wants to eat their egos
The interplay of those pieces is much clearer now, I think. Nice work! One thing to think about – and this is probably something to address in the script rather than in the logline – is there something about these clients’ egos that’s particularly appealing to this demon? Or is this a random attack? Would this demon have eaten any egos he could get his hands on? The reason I ask is your specific use of the word “ego” – which makes me think the theme or big idea behind the movie has something to do with the nature of addiction. That could be interesting and might be worth mining further if you haven’t already. Best of luck!
Thank you so much!
Oi, Naomi.
1. Estudante de veterinária, e filha de conceituado professor do ensino médio, sofre um linchamento virtual após ter um vídeo de sexo exposto na rede pelo ex-namorado. Ela precisa encontrar forças para reverter isso, pois o escândalo pode prejudicar sua vida social, seu futuro profissional e custar o emprego do pai.
Genre: Dramedy
LOG LINE:
A confused teenager wants a normal family. His father wants a sex change. His brother wants to use the ladies” room. His mother’s in love with her evil girlfriend who wants to destroy his family. Can he keep his crazy family together?
Hi Harry,
Thanks so much for your comment. The logline does give me a good sense of who the main character is and I understand generally what he’s trying to accomplish in the story (keep his family together). I also get a sense of how he’ll arc in the story – probably some form of acceptance of his family for who they are, instead of trying to make them “normal”?
So those things seem to be coming through. What I’m less clear on is what actually happens in the movie. I can see where the conflict is coming from (everyone wants something different, and none of those things fit into the “normal” family your hero wants). But I don’t know what the events of the plot are. And maybe that’s okay — if this is more of a slice-of-life type of story, maybe it’s very difficult to logline because it doesn’t have as solid of an external plot as other stories do. That can be challenging to execute but is certainly possible.
When a horde of zombies kill the sheriff of a sleepy frontier town, a penitent gunslinger, sentenced to hang, leads the townsfolk in their desperate fight for survival.
Hey Mike,
Great logline. I can tell exactly who your hero is (penitent gunslinger), what the problem is (horde of zombies), and what the hero does to deal with that problem (lead the townsfolk in a fight for survival). I can see the primal-ness of it, and I get a really good sense of what the tone and feel of the movie will be. Nice work!
Naomi
Thanks, Naomi. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
A 12-year-old genius, orphan, inventor wanting to get answers on her parents mysterious death secretly assists her police investigator cousin while he unknowingly takes on an ancient society of scientists.
Hey Nicholas! Thanks for posting your logline! I think you’re on the right track here and I really like a lot of the elements you have in play. I know who your main character is (12yo genius orphan) and what her goal is (learn the truth about her parents’ death). I can also see the method she’s using (helping her police investigator cousin), which gives a nice sense of what the action of the movie will be. I can assume that the antagonist is the ancient society of scientists, although the way it’s worded here makes it a little unclear — it kind of sounds like only the cousin is up against the scientists, not the main character. But if that’s the case, then who is standing in the main character’s way? You might just rephrase that last part for a little more clarity. Hope that helps!
Naomi
FOREST OF THE NIGHT – an Orlando Homicide cop is obsessed with tracking down a serial child-killer. To achieve her goal, she must defeat her chronic alcohol addiction, and use all her newly-remembered skills to expose the actual murderer… her own police partner.
Hey David!
I think your concept is coming through nicely. I see who your protagonist is (Orlando Homicide cop), and what her goal is (catch serial child-killer). The “method” she’ll use is intriguing (defeat her addiction in order to remember her skills) and it conveys a really interesting internal/external struggle. Plus, there’s a nice twist in the ultimate reveal that it’s her own partner doing the murders. It sounds like a movie I’d like to see and reminds me a bit of something like “Insomnia”. I look forward to hearing how you progress with it.
Best,
Naomi
Hi Naomi! Here is my revised logline (from sometime back):
“When a young noblewoman’s eleven brothers are put under a swan curse by their new stepmother, she follows them into exile and is given the difficult task, from a faerie, to hand-knit a nettle shirt for each brother in order to undo the curse, all the while not speaking, and keeping her brothers undiscovered until her task is complete.”
I should include, following “undo the curse” with “before it becomes permanent “
(Sorry for the omission)
So –
“When a young noblewoman’s eleven brothers are put under a swan curse by their new stepmother, she follows them into exile and is given the difficult task, from a faerie, to hand-knit a nettle shirt for each brother in order to undo the curse before it becomes permanent, all the while not speaking, and keeping her brothers undiscovered until her task is complete.”
Hey Lisa! This looks good. I know who your protagonist is (young noblewoman), and what her problem is (brothers have been cursed). I know what she needs to do in order to fix that problem (hand-knit a nettle shirt for each brother). So all of that is nice and clear. I assume that the stepmother continues to be a strong antagonist throughout the story? If so, then I think you have all the components you need!
Best,
Naomi
Thank you SO much, Naomi! You don’t know how much this means to me, and we’re grateful for your guidance, you and all the Masters at Save the Cat. I hope I can make it down there for one of the weekend Beat Sheet Workshops.
At any rate, I’ll do my best to write an awesome script.
Hi Naomi, I’ve been struggling with this logline for months, realizing that my story had the same problems. I am grateful for all the examples here, and your comments, so here’s my latest:
On the verge of another failed attempt to find her birth mother who abandoned her, an insecure young spacecraft pilot raised by caring aliens uses a strange artifact she found in a space wreck to save an unwanted child from a hateful mob, opening a portal to another world; but when her using the device makes her the target of government traitors led by her biological mother, she must learn that love requires sacrifice, and that the skills and training provided by her adoptive parents will enable her to outsmart her egotistical mother, preventing monsters from invading innocent worlds in a distant galaxy.
Hey Bruce! This is a really comprehensive logline (almost a mini-synopsis, really) and I think it contains all the important elements. I just wonder if there isn’t a way to streamline it a bit. Right now it seems like you have a couple of story catalysts front-loaded into the logline, and maybe it’s possible to rearrange things a bit so we jump into the main thrust of the story more quickly? Maybe something like:
“An insecure young spacecraft pilot who was raised by caring aliens accidentally opens a portal to another world and becomes the target of government traitors led by the biological mother who abandoned her long ago. The pilot must call on the skills and training provided by her adoptive parents to outsmart her egotistical biological mother and prevent monsters from from invading innocent worlds in a distant galaxy.”
I’m not totally sure that I have a sense of how the pilot outsmarts her bio-mom (meaning, what kind of action we’re watching in Act 2), so maybe you can add a key phrase to get that across.
Hope that helps!
Hi Naomi,
here’s my logline.
On the verge of the 20th year of his seclusion a self-pitying and superstitious 90’s pop star catches a thief in his house and believes that she is his long gone muse; but when she wants to leave, he must learn to believe in himself not in some supernatural mumbo jumbo to make his comeback album, before he totally loses his mind and commits a suicide.
thanks.
Hi Tolga! Thanks for posting your logline. It looks like you have a lot of the big pieces in place, and there might be just a little more room for clarity.
So far, I know who the protagonist is (a reclusive, washed-up pop star). And I understand the problem: he catches a girl in his house and believes her to be his muse, so he won’t let her leave. That seems to mean that his story goal is to keep her, and the conflict occurs because she wants to leave. Does that seem right?
I think I get a pretty good sense of how the story plays out once the conflict is underway — she probably helps him find faith or confidence in his own abilities, so that he doesn’t need her as a muse. I’m guessing they bond, though, and develop some kind of friendship or other relationship over the course of the story. So it seems like all of those pieces are there in your logline, and perhaps it could just use a bit of finessing for readability and clarity.
Hope that helps!
Hi Naomi,
thank you for your comments. It really helps. I have some questions though. You’re right about the main conflict but since what I have in mind is a thriller they don’t develop a friendship over the course of the story, actually he kills her (accidentally) and decides to keep the body because it still works as a muse :) My question is: Do I have to put this kind of information in the logline? If so, how can I do it without giving any spoilers?
(Just for the record. This is a comic script which I’m working on but I believe pretty much the same rules apply. And I’m not a native English speaker and won’t be writing it in English.)
thank you
Hi Tolga,
If that plot turn is something that happens in Act 2, I would include it in the logline because it tells us what kind of movie we’re watching. Remember — without that information, my assumption of the type of story it is was totally wrong. And I understand the instinct to want to hold back your cool plot twists. But that plot turn is actually what makes your story interesting, so you want to include it when you’re talking about your story (like in the logline).
Hope that helps!
Naomi
Hi Naomi,
this is very useful,
thank you very much,
Tolga
Thanks for the terrific article. Just getting into this community. I’d love your feedback on this logline:
An overworked bouncer/mechanic/Uber driver ignores the mounting pressure in his skull as one price of taking care of everyone else. Will he go on being the local hero when his millionaire brother returns to town after 20 years, especially if anyone in their rural town discovers the true nature of their relationship?
Hey Ben! Glad you enjoyed it! For your logline, I think you’re on the right track, with a few things to clarify. I know who your protag is (overworked bouncer/mechanic/Uber driver). I’m assuming that the brother is the antagonist, only I’m not yet sure what the movie is. Millionaire brother returns to town sounds like it’s creating the situation / problem the protag will have to contend with. But what happens after that? Does the protag try really hard to remain the local hero? And if so, what does he do in pursuit of that goal — what are we watching in Act 2? I think if you can answer that your logline will feel like a more complete representation of your script/movie. Hope that helps!
Naomi
Thanks to everyone who’s so bravely posted your loglines! We’re at almost 300 comments on this post — I think that sets some sort of STC blog record!!
It’s been great fun to chat with all of you about your stories, and I’m going to close the logline submissions now. Hope I’ve been helpful and best of luck on your projects!
Best,
Naomi
Hi Naomi, you reviewed my logline earlier this month and gave me awesome feedback. You’ve demonstrated, that if you don’t have a good logline, it’s likely that your story is lacking. Your critique exposed the truth. I also heard that the writer is the story god, having the power to create the protagonist’s world. My new attempt follows:
“When an insecure spacecraft pilot raised by foster parents, becomes telepathic after exposure to an alien artifact she found in a space wreck, overhears the thoughts of government traitors led by her biological mother, she must use her new gift to stop the invasion of an innocent world in another galaxy. ”
Thanks so much.
Hi, I’m writing a short film with this log line in mind:
“The unrequited love of a factory worker for his younger colleague launches them into a fierce fight for the next promotion to become team leader.”
Any comments?
Please Let me know your comment..
Logline:
A Mercenary squad deployed to save the contenders lives, threatened by the rise of a mutant.
Hello and thank you so much for this article that handles the best this matter !
Here is my attempt :
Silas Mahoney is a young man in the midst of an identity crisis who is desperately seeking his place in the community of his town where he is gradually losing faith in humanity. He meets by chance another man when they each decide to bury a body in the exact same place on the exact same night : a friendship begins, and with it comes the path to healing… but what if the world-view he had was not so different from the truth?
As English is not my first language I hope it isn’t too incomprehensible :)
When a troubled, young, mother loses her children to foster care she must find the courage to defy the odds by rebuilding her family. While fighting lure of drugs and settling the consequences of past choices.
I am really hoping to join your class! I can’t going the October dates..hoping you have something in November or December! For now I am devouring the book…hope you see my post. I know this is from April!
Hey Cynthia!
There’s a lot of potential in this idea — I can see it being a really moving story. For the logline, I’d include what she’s actually doing in the story. “Fighting the lure of drugs” tells me something, but I’m guessing that’s not all she’s doing for the whole movie. “Finding the courage to defy the odds” is quite internal, and “rebuilding her family” is something external I can see but you could get more specific with it — what does she have to do to rebuild her family? What does she have to do to “settle the consequences of past choices”? Remember to include what we’re watching onscreen — the external plot stuff — so that we know what the movie is.
Does that make sense? Hope it helps and look forward to seeing you in the weekend workshop! November dates are posted now. :)
Best,
Naomi
A late-night radio disk jockey gets entangled in a dangerous murder plot involving a sexy and sultry TV actress and her husband.
A late-night radio disk jockey gets entangled in a dangerous murder plot involving a sexy and sultry TV actress and her husband.