A recent email from my good buddy Joe Whyte (if that’s his REAL name?) revealed that he was up to his usual snuff. Joe is a wit! A whirling dervish of new ideas, and here is his latest:
Just for fun, Joe has been collecting the fictitious names from the daily avalanche of spam he gets. Each email come-on is signed by a different made-up monniker. And each is just a little more hypnotic than the last.
The ever-efficient Joe has decided to put this stuff to good use by creating a file of these names for use when writing scripts (an alternative to the tried-and-true phone book).
Joe calls it “Spamining” and to quote him directly: “Spamining is just one way to recycle the dross of the environment into usable story material!”
So taken was I with Joe’s green-ness that I proposed we use the list as the basis of a holiday contest. Why not take the process one step further and add a character description for each name? What better way to exercise our character creation skills than writing fake biographies that somehow live up to the promise their name represents?
Example:
Edmond Manley, 33, junior partner at an English law firm, likes Darjeleeng tea, silk vests and taking the brassieres off drunken debutantes. Favorite color: tweed.
So for all of you creative writers out there, here’s a chance to show off your imagining skills, and we’ll even up the ante with a prize! The winner of the “most creative character description” will receive a Save the Cat! trifecta, that being a copy of the first book, a copy of the second and a copy of the software! (a $120 value)
The perfect stocking stuffer!
Here are the rules.
1. Take a look at the Top 25 names Joe and I picked from the slush file.
2. Pick three.
3. Write a short, one or two sentence description for each, no more than 100 words total. Can include any and all aspects of character including job description, motto, favorite expression, or family tree.
4. Submit to the Comment Section below. The most original (read funniest!) description wins!
Contest ends, and the winner (and runners up) will be announced, next Thursday December 20, 2007!
Good luck to one and all, and big thanks to Joe for finding all new ways to turn lemons into lemonade!
The List
1. Carmini Lockhart
2. Takisha Perky
3. Deddy Salandy
4. Lemuel Brown
5. Catalina Waters
6. Sherman Sheppard
7. Zane Battle
8. Dorian Daugherty
9. Marjorie Harde
10. Sonja Dupree
11. Curtis Woody
12. Thomas T. Thompson
13. Scotty Kirk
14. Moss Willis
15. Harlan Butts
16. Ollie Gause
17. Tessa Begay
18. Eileen Hinkle
19. Elwood Hensley
20. Travis Calhoun
21. DaNile Rivers
22. Leta Champagne
23. Lane LeBlanc
24. Millie Willimeter
25. Jane Puppums
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Okay! Here are my entries!!!
1. Harlan Butts – 56, Owner/Operator of “Big Butt’s Barbeque”, home of the biggest rack of baby-back ribs in all of Louisiana – each slab has 15 ribs, one more than usual, and Harlan’s not tellin’ anybody how he does it. Rumor has it he’s been dabbling in genetic engineering out back in the barn. That would explain the 3-breasted chickens, too.
2. Leta Champagne – One time star of “Gilberto Jones’ Bosom Parade & Hijinks Revue” at the Rodeo King Hotel in Henderson, NV, has seen her youthful beauty fade like so much tarnished silver. Working as a waitress at Denny’s, she meets Thomas T. Thompson, traveling salesman of fine ladies’ shoes and accessories, and unabashed raconteur who sweeps her off her aching feet and into a whirlwind weekend of love and games of chance – all bankrolled by poor Leta – who doesn’t see the hurt coming until T.T. is gone from her bed on Monday morning.
3. Zane Battle – 22, son of cattle baron Jonah “Blackheart” Battle, must choose between following the family tradition of cattle ranching and his love of acting. His sharp, dashing looks would be an instant hit in 1920’s Hollywood – he’s sure – and after having performed the entire works of William Shakespeare – albeit mostly for the cattle – he’s sure he has the talent to make it as a star. Plus, he looks fantastic in chaps.
Millie Willimeter, 89, a retired schoolmarm and town harlot, loves her 69 cats and knits banana hammocks. “I’ve just always been able to size up a man, born with it I guess.â€
Jane Puppums, 21, a junior at Chico State majoring in Custodial Avoidance, loves long walks in the mall and collects credit cards. “I live everyday like it’s the prom!â€
Ollie Gause, 45, a mechanic from Dear Lick, Ohio hates foreign cars and thinks the metric system is trick-or-treating solo. Favorite color: Foreign Oil Black.
1. Sherman Sheppard- is a middle-aged schlep with a bad comb-forward. He makes his living selling knives door to door. He convinces Walmart moms that his product not only cuts through cans but coconuts as well. (Because everyone in Tennessee has a coconut in their fruit bowl). He often has lunch with his cousin, Officer Sweetchuck, who patrols the area for punks and misfits. Sherman becomes giddy when he adds a melon baller as a bonus for purchasing his knives.
2. Eileen Hinkle- lives down the street from Sherman Sheppard. She is a middle-aged spinster with a collection of hamsters who have a lifespan of two weeks. Being an animal lover, she would’ve liked to have buried them in her backyard except for the fact that her cat, Hera, eats them all. She also admits to another obsession, Greek mythology.
3. Scotty Kirk – is the little brat that lives across the street from Eileen Hinkle. He just discovered that a magnifying glass is the perfect weapon to burn ants on the sidewalk. He steps on them all the time. Even his teacher, Ms. Munts, constantly yells at him for holding up the line at recess. To a second grader, ants have no purpose in this world.
Hey, this is a lot of fun! Thanks for setting up the game!
Tessa Begay, 27, Navajo weaver and brilliant Harvard-educated lawyer, likes loud rock music, hippy dancing and expanding Native American land rights. Favorite Song: “This Land Ain’t Your Land, This Land Is Our Land, From California To The New York Island!”
Lemuel Brown, 45, proprietor of a decaying car dealership on the outskirts of Fort Worth, likes sticky banana pancakes, thin coffee, and spending evenings costuming and dramatically posing the dried bodies of his unfortunate customer-victims in the dungeon of his Quonset hut home. Last raspy words his customers hear: “Come into my office, why doncha, and let’s see what I can do, fer gosh sakes!”
Millie Willimeter, 11, obnoxiously friendly whiz-kid-inventor of irresistibly cute plush dolls with sophisticated surveillance equipment inside that she gives away to those “extra special” neighborhood homemakers. Millie likes eating circus peanuts, shamelessly snooping on the lives of others, and keeping detailed notes in her old ledger book. Favorite Song: “Every Breath You Take” by The Police
No entry yet, but I just got an e-mail about FDA approval something or other from one Elmo Dubois. Do you think these names are generated by random name splicers, or are out-of-work writers hired to mash up the most whimsical examples?
Takisha Perky, African American, 25, accidental artificial insemination from a black male donor to two Causasian parents. Loves her espresso over ice in the AM. Dates a Swiss banker with the hopes to move to Hong Kong. Wants to have her bunions removed, but is against plastic surgery.
Zane Battle, 34, Bald, ex-military stud. Now personal trainer only because he enjoys being close to the female body. Shy by nature even though he grew up with a silver spoon. At 14, he inherited 25 million when his parents were trampled by an elephant while volunteering at an elephant show in Thailand. He continues to live modestly along with his 2 pomeranians, Ted and Alma.
Marjorie Harde, 37, never went to college, however, was able to succeed in business. Started her own company 5 years ago in the medical field where she is consistently persued by aggressive physicians. She has a secret addition to porn and masterbation (sneaking off mid-day to fulfill her fantasies). She is struggling with the idea that she will never be married or have children, but has decided to write a book documenting her world-wide travels.
These are SO GREAT! I’m laffin’ my ass off here! I think my fave so far is Jim Mullany’s “Lemuel Brown”. I love his tag-line – “…fer gosh sakes!” just before he kills them.
And just think – it takes, what, 5 or 10 minutes to come up with these? Look how easy it is to come up with interesting premises based on nothing more than random names! If you sat down and knocked out 20 of these on a Saturday, you’d surely come up with some workable material to expand into whole scripts.
Maybe what we should do is take the winning entry from this contest and see who can come up with the best 15 beats based on it, then take that winning entry and expand it out to 40 scenes, etc. I dunno – seem crazy to anyone else? Might be fun!
And with the strike on, what else ya got to do?!?!
:)
jw
Eileen Hinkle — affectionately known as “Perky” to her church choir girlfriends, Eileen has her doctorate in Library Sciences and heads up Learning Resource Center at the Anita Bryant Middle School in Plumstead Ohio….Eileen calls her glandular condition that manufactures 8 times the normal daily level of endorphins, “a gift from God” and credits it as the inspiration for her critically acclaimed drug awareness puppet show, “Just Say Maybe!”
Curtis Woody — making a name for himself in the competitive world of fitness trainers, Curtis is quickly becoming the go-to guy for athletes looking for that extra edge….The controversial fitness guru combined his love for building high performance athletes, with his inheritance of a family circus, to create one of the premiere training facilities….Curtis pits angry grizzly bears against football linemen; shoots greased midgets out of a cannon at soccer goalies, and sends hungry cougars after baserunners looking to improve their times from first to third base….His corporate slogan is, “Curtis Woody? — You Bet He Would!”
Lane LeBlanc — was once a card carrying member of every 12-step recovery program in North America, and Guam, but has miraculously turned his life around and now wants to share his message with the world!….Lane’s book,
“Dig Yourself Out Of The Hole!” did not receive the literary boost he was hoping for with the endorsement from the Jerry Springer Book Club, but he is confident that people in crisis want nothing more than to hear from a reformed know it all…
Moss “hot flossin” Willis age 32…Although he may be short in size he claims he makes up in other places…You might catch this lonely little rascal crusin the streets trying to pick up that special lady…So ladies when you see Moss driving comin down those gravel roads with his booster seat on top of his John Deere tractor you might find yourself saying “what you talkin bout Willis!?”
Takisha Perky 62. the hidden beauty of every mans late night fantasy calls…with a slice of pizza in her mouth, bucket of chicken under her arm, and a phone in her hand she will make all your dreams come true for only $4.99 a minute. Favorite color: Triple chunk chocolate rocky road with hot fudge on top. Oh, and don’t forget the cherry!
Poor 18 year old Curtis Woody…the youngster on the swim team with the golden blonde hair all those girls scream over….The one all the girls wanted and the boys wanted to be…well until they found out he wasnt sneaking bananas in his speedo after lunch.
Catalina Waters died today aged 43. Catalina, a former tattoo artist, was 8 years into a life sentence for murdering her parents. She is survived by her cellmate, Carmini Lockhart.
Carmini Lockhart, 50, was imprisoned for life in 1997 under the ‘three strikes’ rule. Her final strike was urinating in a public place. The owner of that public place, Zane Battle, said, “I thought it was apple juice.â€
Zane Battle, 31, has been claiming sickness benefit since drinking what he believed to be apple juice in 1997. He has a tattoo of Oprah on his left shoulder. Catalina designed it.
DaNile “West Nile” Rivers, 33, is a former West Philadelphia drug kingpin turned whitewater rafting guide on the Snake River in Idaho. After a ten year stint in Sing Sing, he took the advice of a cousin and moved from the hood to the country, becoming approximately the fourth black person in Idaho. He entertains clientele on day long trips by showing them how to make “jailhouse tamales” with a bag of Fritos and some hot water.
Lane LeBlanc, 42, despite attending the prestigious Sorbonne in Paris as a communications major, can barely speak French. He is a Capitol Hill lobbyist for Wal-Mart’s Walton family, and works feverishly to convince lawmakers to repeal the Estate Tax. He has a passion for lizard skin footwear, and spends his considerable vacation time hunting large game in Africa on a stocked hunting preserve, all the while imagining himself as a modern day Teddy Roosevelt, or maybe John Huston.
Dorian Daugherty, 35, is a professional recording engineer, though his studio happens to be in his parents’ basement. He recently started dating a girl who owns a flying squirrel, and his insecurity and desire to impress her resulted in him buying a hedgehog, to be part of the exotic animal club. Sadly, the hedgehog acquired multiple sclerosis, and had to be euthanized. Dorian is currently starting up a klezmer punk band, after jealously watching a friend of his film a documentary on a Gypsy punk band.
Moss Willis, 54 is currently in the FBI witness protection program in a small Kansas town. The former hit man, Carmini “locked and loaded†Lockhart now spends his mornings at the Lester’s Breakfast Trough debating the inaccuracies of the Farmer’s almanac versus the actual weather. With a new appreciation for corn and rain that is like a cow peeing on a flat rock. Carmini the good-fella is now Moss the good-ole boy.
Ollie Gause, 38 He along with his brothers Oelly and Innfree run the family business making bandages for the world. With a reported net worth of 11 billion, these jet setters travel the world promoting contact sports, surgeries of all kinds and the benefits of mummification over cremation. Ollie is planning to build his own Egyptian pyramid in Plainview, Texas. Oelly and Infree think it is named Plainview for a reason, maybe he should pick a different place.
Zane Battle, 23 Tired, dirty, bleeding and hungry is leading his small band of fighters into Emperadador’s evil lair. His mind drifts back to the days when his trusty Blaster was not his best friend. Little Sonja Dupree, his first kiss. Baking Kirmizi with his mother, dear sweet mother. Ah! His favorite memory of all, Shivpuri, his… Zane is jolted back to reality with the first explosion, they have been discovered. Will plan B now be their savior?
1. Carmini Lockhart, 28, born in South Dakota to a renegade nun, Carmini is the gal with the asexual name who ruins men’s lives – simple as that. She finds it, as she says, “Kinda Neat-0” to take anything resembling love and squash it into a black tar of goo from which nothing escapes – not even a black hole. Being a demon with the power to shape-shift also has its advantages – and, worse of all, she knows where you live!
2. Curtis Woody, 35, has always gotten off making puppet people. Once the runner-up for vice-president of MENSA, Curtis lost his mind (and cool NASA job) when the love of his wife, Carmini, let him know he wasn’t as smart as he seemed. Since, he sits home, alone on his stool, afraid to get off. His only companion is a half-complete, wind-up, computer interfacing, action figure with joy-stick control and a kung-fu grip named Jane who has an annoying habit of re-heating her award-winning leftovers at the wrong time.
3. Jane Puppums, age unknown, is one Toy that really loves the feeling of squishing dough. She was programmed to make the world a better place, but, due to a programming bug, she simply agrees that “Strawberry simply makes the best strudel filling,” and then proceeds to fill everything she finds. No matter how many recipe contests she wins or ninja movies she claims to love, she simply hasn’t yet learned how to make her maker see her as anything other than a baking tin with the heart of a toaster. She only cooks because it’s the only way she knows to show love.
I had a lot of fun reading all of these as well as making my own. Enjoy. (I hope)
*****
The specific circumstances behind the death of adult film star DaNile Rivers are still unclear. No official word has been given but early reports suggest an “equipment malfunction” on the set of Rivers new film “The Devil Wears Nada.”
*****
Outlaw Travis Calhoun is known for surviving an ambush at “Whiskey Dick’s” saloon in Dog Leg, Texas. While sitting at the bar, whiskey in hand, Calhoun kept one eye on the back-bar mirror where he spotted four members of the Stokes Gang, guns drawn, heading his way. Calhoun spun and opened fire immediately killing three gunmen and leaving Stokes himself mortally wounded. Calhoun, who was wanted for crimes throughout the south west including the murder of Marshall Curtis Woody, was never brought to justice.
*****
Scotty Kirk works as a fry cook at “Burger Bong” a local fast food restaurant & head shop. Kirk was once a famous television personality, known to his fans as Lumpy the Lovable Hippo on the kids show “Lumpy & Friends”. After a video appeared on BoobTube.com, showing “Lumpy” engaging in lewd sexual acts with “Frosty” the Alligator, Kirk was fired and removed from the studio premises. It is rumored that Kirk began using methamphetamines after he was presented with a cleaning bill for the Lumpy & Frosty costumes. Scotty Kirk, fry cook, just bought a hand gun.
(Sherman Sheppard) Little Therman Theppard is thirteen yearthz old with brathez that make him thpeak with a lizpth. Poor guy juthz wanthz a date for the Christhmath danth. Juth wait though, when thozth brathez come off, the girthz will love him!
Unassuming, shy, 24 year old Millie Willimeter has an undying crush on her boss at the office. If he only knew she posts hundreds of pictures of him next to her whip and chains in her “secret†room in her grandmother’s attic.
Overconfident, overweight, Harlan Butts, sports an oversized Stetson. Plumber by day; dancer at Fats Nightclub in Houston by night.
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HA!!! Robert, you knocked me off my chair laughing!!! Frickin’ genius!
:)
jw
Hey Thanks Joe I appreciate it! I enjoyed the contest we should do more like these every so often. Congrats to the winners great stuff!